[Kidding Not Kidding]: Trinity To Explore New and Controversial “True Diversity Initiative”: Project Unicorn

Hugh Jass ‘1823

College Jester

In a climate of hyper-partisanship, skyrocketing costs, and mounting student debt, the trustees of Trinity College have announced an aggressive new program that focuses on diversity in all its forms.

The plan is being heralded as a first among the 11 NESCAC schools that have all been focused entirely on what many call a narrow interpretation of diversity. “Race is one important way of looking at the issue, but true diversity has many facets,” commented trustee Phil McCracken ’58. “For example, we’re not just looking at old money any longer. For the first time ever, we’re also targeting new money … but we still want the old money, of course.”

Described as a micro-segmentation strategy, the plan specifically targets applicants who were previously overlooked. In addition to new money, this includes untapped markets such as students who identify as high achievers, who score well on standardized tests, or who may even be politically conservative. McCracken added, “It’s quite possibly the most ambitious project in the history of higher ed. We’re calling it Project Unicorn.” 

Chair of the Board of Trustees Dr. Phil McChicken ’69 indicated that the Trustees see Project Unicorn as a shift away from critical race theory to what they call “critical ace theory,” in that they are looking for “ace” students –in other words, they are looking to admit students based on merit. In addition, Project Unicorn will “focus on the lesser-known and lesser-emphasized diversity: ideological diversity,” McChicken added.

Project Unicorn has sent waves across the country, shocking both the world and academia to their core. Professor of Post-Modern Neo-Marxist Anti-Colonial Studies Dr. Phil McRib called Project Unicorn “the most shocking thing to ever exist on this planet.” “It’s even worse than the Red Skull from the Marvel Comics,” McRib added.

The Tripod spoke with Professor of Clandestine Chemistry Walter White, a member of the Project Unicorn committee, to get his thoughts on the matter. White remarked that “perhaps looking at individuals as individuals rather than their group identity is the right path forward.” White was forced into exile and hiding following these comments to the Tripod.

Note: Kidding Not Kidding (“KNK”) is the Tripod‘s new, weekly satirical column focused on addressing momentous events and actions at Trinity. Nothing herein should be construed as reality, nor should any of the assertions be accepted literally. Rather, take the column for what it is: Bantams bantering.