[Kidding Not Kidding]: New Revolving Door Installed On The Long Walk

Hugh Jass ‘1823

College Jester

The administrative offices in the Williams Memorial were recently updated with the addition of a gleaming new revolving door named the “Cresswell-Paik-Schaeffer-Stein-Perez” commemorative revolving door. 

Manufactured in Hamden, Connecticut by Stanley Access, the impressive new unit was unveiled under great fanfare by trustees earlier this month. It is said to be constructed of an advanced carbon fiber resin resistant to all manner of kicking and scuffing, while also capable of holding an almost unlimited number of panes of double-layer, shatter-resistant glass. Stanley engineers boast the door is capable of spinning at almost 400 rotations per minute. 

“This baby is no normal revolving door,” noted trustee Seymour Bantz ’90. “It’s exceedingly fast and smooth. It’s savage. The fastest guy on the market. In fact, you won’t find anything like it on any of the other 10 NESCAC campuses. We spared no expense.” 

In contrast to this, the reaction from students was mixed, as some on the Long Walk were forced to bob and weave on the way to class to avoid crashing into the rapid exodus of bodies expelled from the administration building. “I get that it’s necessary,” said one unnamed Trinity senior who was visibly winded from dodging the throngs of dazed people thrust from the new door. “I guess it’s just the price we pay for excellence.” 

On a positive note, the administration also observed that the constantly revolving door has helped to generate a cool breeze that has reduced the need for carbon-emitting air conditioning in nearby offices and dorm rooms during warmer months.