GLOBAL EMERGENCY: Cool Kids Reported Missing

Samantha Poli-Sci ’24

Interned at the UN

While I sat sipping my iced matcha latte with oat milk, I was unable to ignore the noticeable scent of Baccarat Rouge 540 wafting through the air as the Cartier-clad Pilates obsessed twenty something breezed past me. Nevertheless, it was at that exact moment I couldn’t help but wonder, where are all of the cool kids? As I began to examine the flock of aspiring jewelry designers, interior decorators, and art advisors, their traditional “garbs” were all that of the same. A uniform series of Re/Done graphic t-shirts, Agolde 90s fit jeans, purposefully scuffed Golden Goose sneakers, and an array of stolen-from-my-moms-closet vintage designer bags…my personal favorite. So, let’s be honest here, do they like dressing in homogeneous packs, or do they do it because they think they’re “cool.” But before I go any further, I must say just because you may not identify as the latter does not mean you are exempt from the matter. As I continued to examine my scholastic surroundings, it became rather difficult to spot someone who was not sporting a Barbour jacket, Rowing Blazers sweatshirt, or the New England prep school grads’ personal favorite-said schools class ring. Nevertheless, while we’re at it, we might as well call it what it is. There is a reason why everyone here is an econ major. Everyone gets to be the same! Sure, working in finance sounds great when you are able to afford a two-bedroom in the West Village, but here’s a daring question, have you actually had an original thought in your life? 

So really, where are the cool kids? As my investigative research furthered, I decided (like any good pledge) to outsource—sending correspondents to the epicenter of aspiring financiers: UPenn Wharton. When prompted with the question concerning the location of cool kids on their campus, one Quaker sporting a pair of pristinely clean Common Projects and a Patagonia vest asked our surveyors to define what one meant by “cool kid.” It was then and there that we realized that the cool kids had become gentrified…just like the Lower East Side.