Shaquille O’Neal Announced as New Dean

Big Baller ’27

Lakers Fan

Since the beginning of the spring semester on campus, it has seemed that there has been a position that needs to be filled for the dean of student life. This has been a point of contention for the administration, as there have been many losses of exemplary leadership and other members of faculty in the two years. With belabored anticipation from the campus community, it has been announced that former basketball star Shaquille O’Neal was appointed to the position as of last week. 

Sources close to the administration say this was a lengthy process, to say the least. A task force was set up early on in the semester to find an adequate replacement, someone who “lives up to the stellar example of leadership set by past deans”. The task force took many factors into account when trying to decide who would fill this incredibly crucial position on campus, even a new approach in looking at past financial history and records of embezzlement or fraud. 

Many students, members of the faculty, and basketball fans as a whole were shocked to hear the news. A sudden change in career path was not expected from the multi-millionaire and retired basketball legend. When asked about the switch from sports commentating to academia he called it a “random act of Shaqness” and all said he had to “keep the public on their toes”. 

Though O’Neal is new to a position of this sort, he reportedly has been extremely committed to preparing to take on the role of dean. O’Neal has many ideas for improving student life and overall campus climate and culture. His first over of business as dean is to “get rid of that ugly ass bird. What the **** is a bantam anyway”? New school merchandise designs have already been proposed with Dean O’Neal’s face on them. He additionally is planning on severing the school’s partnership with energy drink brand Celsius, in favor of introducing his own line of energy drinks into the school, Shaq-Attack. 

One of the most prevalent and pervasive issues on campus is the presence of Greek life, which was something that was taken into great consideration when the task force was interviewing candidates. When asked about his thoughts on Greek life and fraternities at Trinity and what his plans would be regarding the organizations going further, Dean O’Neal said he would not be taking any administrative actions against the Greek-life community and instead would be instating his own fraternity on campus called Alpha Theta Shaq. The rush process will reportedly be very extensive and include a roast battle as well as a game of 1V1 against the retired star.

Dean O’Neal will be living on campus in a mansion built directly on the LSC quad in order to ensure that he will be as accessible as possible to students. His term will begin with the fall semester, although he is rumored to be making an appearance this year at Spring Weekend in the tunnels.