Bernie Madoff ’23
Successful Financier
It is no surprise that Trinity College is known is for its masses of wealth. Every day, hordes of Jeep Wranglers fly down Crescent Street, launching themselves into the air on speed humps, seemingly forgetting that they were ever there. What is surprising, though, is how students get so wealthy here. There is a common lie that the culprit is something called “generational wealth.” Not only is “generational wealth” a lie, it is a coverup for something much more fun and amusing.
The only real way students can swipe their American Express Platinum cards with no apparent reservations is through something so obvious it hurts: embezzlement. How you may ask? The crazy amount of funding Trinity gathers for student associations.
You see student activity funding goes through multiple organizations before it reaches the club. Starting in the pockets of parents, falling to SGA budget, and then partitioned off to SAIL to manage for irresponsible college student leaders, there are many places a couple thousand can just, you know, “slip” through the cracks. This is where you can take advantage! Just slowly funnel out some funds that are in limbo between SGA budget and student clubs, leaving them none the wiser! You can pocket upwards of $70,000.
Now it is critical that you stop at around this dollar amount. Think of it from administration’s perspective, making national news for embezzlement doesn’t bode well for the upcoming admissions cycle; therefore, if you stop before the amount taken supersedes the amount a typical student pays in tuition, you will not face any repercussions. Oh the power of PR.
So aspiring financiers who want to get a head start before Wall Street, remember to keep your embezzlements slightly less than the cost of attendance and you should be in the clear. Personally, I will continue to embezzle from the Tripod’s publishing budget to cover my tab at The Russian Lady. Happy embezzling and happy Liepod!
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