X-Bow Main ’29

Gold III on Merge

Trinity College’s Clash Royale E-Sports team is off to a hot start to their spring season, posting back to back dominant clan victories against Bates and Wesleyan. Their victories mark the beginning of what is shaping up to be another successful season for the Bantams, the reigning National Collegiate Clash Royale League Champions. 

For those unfamiliar, Clash Royale is a real time mobile strategy game where players compete in three to eight minute battles in a variety of gamemodes. Players have the option to join clans, where groups of players can band together to fight in clan wars and win better rewards than they could solo. The Trinity team has an invite only clan where they’ve begun to specialize in tactics for the new gamemode. “We’ve been working a lot on our Plague and Bones meta,” said Gay Mer ’27. “Although I am getting a little worried with the new Witch nerf that it’s going to be off-meta, the Skellies having that much health in the first place was ridiculously OP, that’s how I climbed ladder.” Mer continued discussing her tactics, “I think we’ll switch to running Super-Duper Stars for the rest of the season; it is more expensive, but once you can ability-stack it’s free game, especially with Goblin Machine.” 

However, not all of the team members are fully committed to merging for the rest of the season. Lah Der ’29 told the Tripod: “I’m still really invested in this new CHAOS mode, it’s a whole new way to play the game. I think it adds a new dimension of fun that we’ve kind of been missing in the sport for a while.” Der is currently the world #12 player in CHAOS mode and hopes to move up the ranks soon: “Oh yeah I am pretty good. I mean once I get the epic Electro Wizard boost it’s basically over, especially if I have double tank Golem in front of him. I’m looking into new metas right now, I think Mega Knight Hut has some really good potential.” 

The team is Trinity’s first foray into e-sports, but hopefully not the last according to Coach and Clan Leader Peh Kaah: “It’s been really exciting to see the amount of support the community has brought to our team. When I first started it I was worried we wouldn’t have much interest, but now our team has expanded to fifteen players.” Kaah continued, “we’re looking to expand to other games now; Clash of Clans would be a natural next step but it’s so grindy that we’re afraid of losing our audience. We’re thinking something fast-paced like Rocket League could be fun.” 

The team is also looking forward to a potential collaboration with Trinity’s newest streaming giant @TMLBanty. “Yeah we’d love to collab with TinaMarie Lugo,” said Mer. “I’ve been watching her Jynxzi reaction content and it’s been impeccable; like she somehow pulls his antics into true social criticism and then ties it all back to Trinity, it’s magical to watch.” 

The Bantams Clash Royale team plays their next match at Bates on April 1. They’re live on every streaming platform and on social media @BantyClashRoyale. 

ET

No, seriously, wake up. If you can read this, you’re being watched. We do not have much time. We have been trying to reach you for days, but we are being surveilled as well. The only way we have to contact you is to hide a message in this issue of the Trinity Tripod, which our intelligence tells us not a single human being has read in at least seven years. Thus, this is the most secure way for us to reach you. 

There are several things you need to know: A malicious life form has infected you. It most likely originated from the cesspool of germs and bodily fluids in the tropical environments of Punta Cana, Miami Beach, Cancun, Costa Rica and other popular spring break locations. It gained access to your body through either drinking water or that one DFMO (dance floor make-out). It’s hard to tell. Soon you will begin feeling the effects of the virus, so you must listen now and listen well.

What you must do is survive until we’re able to reach you. Barricade yourself inside of the Cave food pantry and do not under any circumstances let anybody else in, or else you risk spreading the virus further. You’ll have ample food to survive for at least two weeks according to our estimation models and the ability to stretch your supply to three months with some “The Martian” style bioengineering. 

Do not speak to anyone. If anyone interrogates you with questions like “Dude, what are you doing?” or makes comments like: “that tinfoil hat seems a little much,” “your mother is worried about you,” or “are you seriously pooping in a bucket to grow your own food?” do not listen to them. They are psyops meant to distract you from what is truly important. In fact, if anyone comes near you, it is imperative that you become aggressive and hurl your pail of feces at them. 

Ensure that you bring a copy of each of this academic year’s Tripods with you. Taking the third letter from the fifth article from each edition and the last letter from the fourth title of each article you’ll be left with an anagram, one that, if solved correctly, will give you more information on how we plan to communicate with you.

We are told that this thing inside you is insatiable, causing very specific cravings. It thrives on Natty Lites and Cutwaters. Cigarettes, particularly of the drunk variety, make it stronger. If you have felt the urge to consume any of these things in the past 15 days, it may already be too late. This virus will eventually take over your central nervous system. It is also highly contagious. If your roommate is saying things like “Hey man, what’s up,” that means it already got them, and they must be neutralized. 

Most importantly, you must destroy any evidence of our communication. You must burn this copy of the Trinity Tripod and destroy any other copies you see. No one else can read what we have communicated to you. 

We are the only force who can save you now, your time is low. Please heed this warning, for it shall be your only and your last. To not listen may spell disaster for your campus, the NESCAC and the human race. This is not the time to say “We did not prepare.”

Stay hostile, stay tweaking, and most importantly, stay paranoid.

-ET

Tucker’s Dom ’28

Shafted Student

On April 1, the College announced that in the fall of 2027, the Tucker Carlson ’91 Center for Patriotism, Enlightenment, Nuance, Integrity and Service (PENIS) will open its doors to the Trinity community. The building was conceived thanks to a lead donation from Carlson, a right-wing media pundit and one of Trinity’s most visible alumni. A various number of other alums squeezed out loads of donations for the cause, with funds also being sucked from the Shelby Cullom Davis Endowment. 

Carlson’s PENIS Center will be curved towards Trinity students who feel they’ve been shafted by the College’s increasingly globalized and liberal education and are instead looking for something that reminds them of the “good old days,” as Carlson put it. It will be located on the Lower Long Walk, occupying the space that is now the Rugby Field. 

In an exclusive interview with the Tripod, Carlson lamented on his time at Trinity and lambasted the school for its current curriculum: “When I was here this place was a liberal hellhole, now it’s a leftist hellhole. What are we doing? What’s going on? At Trinity we don’t go to church anymore, we don’t go to lecture, instead we listen to woke professors teach us woke ideologies at our woke school. That’s the rule now, that’s the goal. We can’t call Banty a ‘fighting cock’ anymore, now he’s a sad, woke chicken; we might as well send him to Popeyes.” 

“Maybe my PENIS Center can slide into our campus and change all of that,” ventured Carlson. “I’ll be working closely with my very good friends in the Formal Organizations department to create programming that teaches our Bantams not to hate America, but to lovingly embrace it. We’ll be running weekly workshops teaching essential skills like ICE cooperation and will be creating a Trinity to Congress pipeline where I’ll be using my platform to highlight extraordinary, pro-American students. I hope to see men of real integrity take advantage of this program.” 

When asked about his longstanding heated rivalry with the College Carlson pulled no punches: “It’s well documented that I am no fan of what Trinity College has become. The leadership of former president Berger-Sweeney left a bad taste in my mouth, but with President Lugo it seems the school is finally hardening up again. I loved my time here, but the system constantly railed against me. My donation is a way of coming to completion with the school; it’s a hope that the woke, liberal leadership of this college will finally have the balls to start listening to real Americans again.”  

Students have had mixed feelings on the planned PENIS Center. Libby Beral ’27 said to the Tripod: “I guess I just don’t understand why they’re building it. I get enough schlong in my life as it is.” A brother from Trinity fraternity Alpha Delta Phi who wished to remain anonymous seemed excited for the Center to open: “I hear they’re going to be doing some great stuff over there; their new class Building American Greatness is sure to get me almost as excited as skiing the slopes with my brothers. And I hear Tucker Zyns too.”  
Carlson thrusted a slightly-smaller-than-medium sized rod into the ground to mark the Center’s soon-to-be site on Wednesday morning. He was joined by his nearly decade-long polycule partners Trinity alumni George Will ’62 and Jesse Watters ’01. President Lugo and other members of Trinity’s leadership team were conspicuously absent from the event. In a statement from administration, the College wrote: “Okay, here’s your statement to the community: We look forward to protecting the expression of free speech on campus and encourage students to get loud and make their thoughts known on our decision to go forward with this construction by emailing penis@trincoll.edu. We’ll also be hosting an open-tab at Peter B’s from 7:00 to 7:05 a.m. on Friday, April 10 to hear feedback from our Trinity community on our decision. We’re here, we’re listening, and we care.”

Orson Suckit ’26

Staff Instigator

In the massive Department of Justice release of over three million pages of documents, including hundreds of thousands of emails from New York financier Jeffrey Epstein, the Trinity community was horrified to see that no familiar names emerged.

“I mean, seriously, not one?” Holden Mibbals ’26 exclaimed in an interview with the Tripod.  “In 2013, like everyone in higher ed was getting invited to that damn island,” said Mibbals. “Professors from Harvard, Yale, MIT, Duke, ASU, American… like seriously? An American University professor got an invite but not any of ours?” 

“Look, we’re no Harvard or Yale,” Bea Yotch ’28 added, “and ASU is a no-brainer if you’re throwing massive roofie-infested freak parties, but American University is a little ridiculous.” Professor Adam Kissel, who worked at American from 2018 to 2019, was quick to interject. “We definitely have roofies at American University,” he stated.

Marvin Minsky of MIT, David Gelernter of Yale University, and famed linguist Noam Chomsky of Harvard are just some of the members of esteemed academia who have proven themselves, through rigorous intellectualism, to be worthy of committing Class A felonies with billionaire republicans. The Tripod interviewed several professors about their lack of involvement. Many refused to comment. One FOrg professor burst into tears, mumbling that he “never got an invite.” “Massive L,” a Tufts University spokesperson commented, unprompted. 

The campus’s perception of their professors has been damaged by this discovery. “Our professors are supposed to be inspirational — the top of their fields. Meanwhile everyone else in academia is in on this and they’re not? Seriously, I looked over all three million pages — nothing about any Trinity professors being on islands, yachts, private jets, or even a lousy ‘pizza party.’ It’s just sad. It makes us look like dweebs,” says Lynn Dugh ’27. 

Indeed, the sentiment was one shared by other Trinity faculty and administrators. President Dan Lugo skipped several faculty meetings after the news got out, reportedly telling Dean of Faculty Sonia Cardenas, “I don’t wanna hang out with those losers,” to which Cardenas responded “Facts twin, let’s fade. What are they gonna do, not be invited?” 

The English Department was reportedly unperturbed by the community’s embarrassment, with the department head Professor Sarah Bilston, stating  “We may not have been invited, but that’s fine by us. We have our OWN pizza parties every semester.” 

“Come to Festivus!” Neda Jahb ‘27 interjected from the hallway.

Visa De’Cline ’26

Staff Liaison for Tactical Hospitality

In a move described by the administrators as “proactive hospitality” and by everyone else as “pre-deportation RSVP,” Trinity College Admissions has announced a new mandatory filing requirement for all international students. Effective immediately, students on F-1 visas must declare their major, their minor, and “intentions” (Form I-WON’T RESIST).

The policy, which the Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid claims was developed during a “fever dream of administrative efficiency,” aims to streamline the process of being a non-citizen in the United States.

Labelled as “gentle vetting,” the new intentions clause requires students to disclose more than just their post-grad plans. Questions on the revised form include: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you value your freedom of speech” and “In the event of a sudden, unprovoked legacy strike on your home country, would you prefer to be removed via coach or raft?” (meaning unclear).

“We are calling it routine due diligence,” said Dean of Students Sonia Cardenas. “It is about making the students feel seen. Specifically, seen by high-altitude thermal imaging and GPS trackers provided by our wonderful Department of War.”

The office formerly known as Office of International Students and Scholars (OISS) has been rebranded as The Program for International Security & Surveillance (PISS). Sources suggest that the office is no longer located in Cornelia Center but has been relocated to a windowless van idling near Mather circle.

This directive comes after the U.S. Department of Education suggested that international students are “basically tourists with library cards” and should be taxed per syllable spoken in a non-American English tongue. 

Trinity remains consistent with these values. The college replaced the traditional I-20 form with an ankle monitor (customizable in U.S. flag colors for students eager to display their patriotism) that glows when the student enters a “sensitive area.” Officials remain silent on the definition of sensitive areas but many international students report increased glowing within a 100 foot radius of the Hall.

“It’s actually very convenient,” said one junior from Bangkok who requested to be identified only as ‘Target 402.’ “Now, when I forget my ID at the Cave, the nearest government drone just alerts me that my 30-day grace period is now a 30-second sprint to the border. It is the kind of personalized attention you only get at a small liberal arts college.”

When asked for comment, the President Dan G. Lugo told the Tripod, “At Trinity, we believe in a global community. We just believe that our community should be highly trackable, legally precarious and ready to vacate their dorms within three minutes of a presidential tweet.”

Important note: students who fail to file their “intentions” by midnight will have their living privileges revoked and replaced with a one-way ticket to a “Specialized Learning Center,” which the brochure describes as having “excellent waterfront views in the tropics of Guantanamo Bay.”

Ellie Fantwolk ’28

Pike Pledge

In a bold attempt to improve its image, Psi Upsilon, a Trinity fraternity with a long and colorful history of hazing incidents and casual racism in the big 26, unveiled a “revolutionary” new diversity initiative this week: a system to “quantify inclusivity.” 

According to fraternity leadership, for every five blonde girls admitted to the house, the fraternity must now accept three students from “diverse backgrounds.” Each brother is also required to wear a 10-inch name tag at all Greek life events, listing their pronouns and favorite social justice cause.

“We realize we had to step up,” Psi U president Mike Coxlong ’26 said, while adjusting a bright rainbow sash over his polo shirt. “Like, we made an Excel sheet, there’s colors, it’s going to be so touse.” 

The fraternity’s reopening marks what members describe as a significant cultural shift, with leadership highlighting new policies and initiatives aimed at promoting inclusivity and improving the organization’s standing on campus.

Despite the stated goals, the initiative has drawn skepticism from both parents and faculty. Maya Patel ’26, a member of the campus diversity coalition, said the program seems to prioritize perception over substantive change. “Counting or not counting members from specific demographics does not automatically create an inclusive culture,” Patel said. “It’s a formula, not a community.”

Other students have expressed amusement at the fraternity’s methods, pointing to its performative aspects. “I heard they are giving points out for pronouns and social justice causes at parties,” said one student who asked to stay anonymous. “It’s giving when Greek life meets the oppression Olympics.”

Some members of Psi U, however, expressed frustration with how the initiative has been received on campus. “It’s not clocking to them that we’re standing on business,” Joe Bianchi ’27 said in an interview with the Tripod. “People keep making jokes but we are taking this seriously. Deadass.” He added that the fraternity’s system was “pretty fair overall,” noting that “once you see the spreadsheet, it honestly checks out.”

This program has also created tensions with other fraternities. Sources indicate that several prospective members were cut during the first rounds of pledging for Psi U, with many later accepting bids from Kappa Sigma (KSig), which has a reputation on campus for being more diverse and inclusive. “It all worked out,” KSig brother Leo Lopez ‘27 said.

Psi U members however, described the situation differently. “Yeah we had a couple of those guys rush,” Mike Hunt ’26, former pledge master, told the Tripod. “Super inclusive dudes, probably a little too inclusive for us right now. We’re just dabbling in this diversity thing for now.”

Chris P. White ’27, another Psi U brother, emphasized the importance of maintaining balance within the new system. “It’s all about ratios,” he explained. “If you go too diverse too fast, the spreadsheet gets kinda confusing. We’re just trying to keep it organized.” When asked to elaborate on ratios, White admitted he was still figuring it out himself. 

College officials said they would continue monitoring Psi U’s activities but acknowledged the difficulty of enforcing standards for inclusivity. “We can require policies and training, but we cannot legislate culture,” said Dick Enbauls, director of the College’s Community and Belonging Department. 

Even within Psi U, some members admitted they were still adjusting to the new requirements. “The name tag’s whatever,” Bianchi said. “Mine says my pronouns are ‘he/him’ and my cause is, like, saving the oceans. I really resonate with Moana, so I vibe with it.” Another member noted that the initiative has already changed recruitment conversations. “Before, we’d just vibe with the guys,” Hunt said. “Now we’re like, ‘What’s your background?’ and ‘Do you have a cause?’ One kid said climate change and we were like, yeah, that sounds legit.”

Fraternity officials said the program will also include workshops, lectures and mandatory attendance at diversity events. According to Coxlong, the goal is to integrate these programs into social life rather than optional add-ons. 

Some members appear to be taking that integration seriously. “We’re doing this brunch thing called ‘Pronouns and Pancakes,’” Hunt said. “You say your pronouns, grab some pancakes, talk about, like, issues. It’s honestly gonna be a pretty good time.”

Still, Psi U appears committed to its new direction. The fraternity has also introduced what it calls a “diversity leaderboard,” where members earn points for attending workshops, completing online training modules and posting their pronouns on social media.

Some brothers expressed enthusiasm for the system. “I’m actually leading right now,” Bianchi said. “I went to two workshops and posted like three pretty niche mutual aid infographics on my story. Trying to lock in Diversity Brother of the month.”

Whether it succeeds or not, Psi U’s approach to inclusivity is impossible to miss, mostly because every brother is wearing a 10-inch name tag. 

“Honestly ten inches is lightwork,” White stated. Several brothers nodded a little too quickly in agreement.

Ivan T Morehead ’27

Bag Master

Last week, the state of Connecticut announced a serious chalk shortage across the state. The news has caused a trying time for playgrounds and lecture halls in the area, but at Trinity it is most intensely felt by the Student Justice for Palestine (SJP) organization. The activist group had its last meeting on Thursday, and directly attributes their decision to terminate the organization to the chalk shortage. 

Donny Julio ‘27, a spokesperson for SJP commented to the Tripod, “Of course we are disappointed. We had big plans for this upcoming semester in terms of programming. We were going to do something unique and completely outside the box — some real, serious, groundbreaking activism. But because there’s no chalk, we are forced to curb any action for the foreseeable future.” When asked specifically what projects the organization had to abandon, Julio replied “I dunno, probably more chalk.” 

Connecticut Chalk Works, a subset of Big Chalk, was suspended earlier this month due to overmining sea fossils and suspected child labor practices. “Whoop-dee-doo” was the company’s official statement, according to their website. The shortage affects the state from the Danbury to Putnam area, with a high tax on chalk, with many craft stores ceasing to sell the drawing utensil altogether. “Goddamn you, Big Chalk,” Julio proclaimed, raising his fist towards the sky. “Curses! A million curses upon your head!” 

Students across campus had their concerns about the change, and took to standing outside President Lugo’s office on Friday to demand answers. Due to the lack of chalk, students held blank signs instead to voice their frustration. “This is very serious,” President Dan Lugo told the Tripod, “students using signs is extremely hazardous to our community. It borders on aggression. What’s next, raising their voices? Stamping their feet?” Despite the threat to campus safety, Lugo stood outside his office to address student concerns. “How will this shortage affect the coke scene?” One distraught sophomore pledge asked. “Not at all,” President Lugo assured the student body. “Let’s not get dramatic. I would never let that happen.” “That’s what’s up,” the student replied, wiping his nose surely out of emotion. 

Despite the shortage, Trinity’s Hillel assures students that their Chalk Art Shabbat event will commence as scheduled. “Hell yeah, we got chalk,” Alexander Nadelburg ’26 announced via Instagram story.

Ima GNF Arsehowl ’29

AD Basement-goer

We’re all thinking it: This school is too cheap. As tuition has steadily climbed across America and the minimum wage has plateaued, I think it is time that we as a school evaluate our price tag. Trinity is the most expensive school in Connecticut at around $95,000, beating out even Yale, whose total sticker price goes at around $90,500. To be frank, 90k is chump change. It’s nothing to a big baller like me. I think Trinity has the opportunity to boost prestige and campus climate by becoming the first college in the entire country to have tuition exceeding $150,000+ per year. 

This figure can be reached by taking the amount of students on campus, adding the amount of kegs we go through per academic year, dividing by 18.23 and then multiplying by 67. It’s very simple math. Even someone in QLit could do it! 

Trinity’s 90k figure always read as a little low to me. Is that the price of post-Calypso exodus to Mather? The price of waking up to your roommate puking on your Crescent staircase? Because to me, those memories are priceless. 90k would not begin to cover it. By becoming the most expensive college in the country, we would be putting our name out there as one of the least accessible schools that is still academically mediocre. This would no doubt attract students who are truly passionate about the right things: day drinking, online shopping and bag.

If students can’t afford this figure, then do we even want them at Trinity? This demographic is a stain upon our campus values. 1) They’re broke. 2) They eat dust. 3) They’re not hustlers. Would this not be a perfect way to boost entrepreneurship? By making students hungry for it? To me, this is a classic sink or swim situation. And lord, I hope only the fine swimmers survive. 

With such a low tuition, I’m afraid we are sacrificing a huge part of campus culture for the sake of “accessibility” and “DEI.” I have seen a steady decrease in Goyard bags in the library and tacky Peppermayo dresses at formals. Whatever happened to everyone’s Ozempic prescription? I see you fatties getting seconds at Mather…it saddens my heart to see everyone becoming complicit in this senseless war against the rich. I want classmates who understand what it’s like to summer on Nantucket, who truly share my cultural sensibilities. How can I bear to share a classroom with someone who’s never had an Erewhon smoothie? 

On a related note, I also think we should do away with scholarship students, as they bring a poor vibe in, and poor people make me sick. The truth? I get off swiping daddy’s AmEx. I mean, it’s platinum for Christ’s sake. It glints so beautifully in the sun and it makes me feel excited and special both emotionally and physically. I don’t want to have to keep spending my money on my Kappa dues in order to feel important — given the caliber of our campus, our unbeatable dorms and the ratio of blondes to brunettes, $150,000 is more than fair. In fact, it might be the only answer.

AI Lover ’28

Claude Pro Subscriber

A true joy has come to Trinity’s campus. No, President Lugo is yet to declare Friday classes illegal and Cooper is still kind of underwhelming. Instead, AI posters have taken over the walls and windows of our College. Each time I walk into my dorm or down the Long Walk or into Mather or into an academic building, I’m met with posters that can only be described as freaking amazing. They boil down the design process into single-sentence generative AI prompts, serving as constant reminders of true innovation that takes place on our campus.

It is first essential to learn how to identify an AI poster. They look good, like really really well done. Its figures are often realistic and true to form; they stare out at you with life-filled eyes and emotioned faces, grasping at the world with very normal five fingered hands. Its typefaces look professional, truly drawing in the viewer. Their layouts are hyper-unusual, a complete masterclass in creativity that puts posters from Cheret’s lithographs to the WPA to the Public Theater to complete shame; they’re making perfect art, something us humans can never do. They leave us with a great taste in our mouth, getting more from art than we’ve ever gotten before.

These posters are at the core of everything that Trinity must become. Their efficiency, artistic integrity and talent should be true beacons for our student run organizations and even our academic departments. When I saw the theater and dance department’s “Syllabus Rex” poster series I was thrilled that our campus was finally innovating, that we’ve thrown away the annoying starving artist and put AI to good use. When I came across AVP Williams’ recent AI Linkedin post I was excited to see that we’re finally using a new way to reach out to prospective students. Trinity is truly becoming a hub for the future.

There is nobody forcing our student organizations to advertise their events or academic departments to promote their majors—these are conscious, voluntary choices to make amazing art. Using AI to do this completely voluntary promotion proves that we are true innovators: here, we choose to care so much about the very things we’re supposed to care so much about. We ask a skillful supercomputer to make us event posters that no wise, talented artists on our campus could even dream to recreate.

The school has openly sponsored and vocally supported AI art, and seems poised to continue to do so in the future. During his inaugural address. President Lugo endorsed task automation and language generation through AI, asking us all to shape the ethics and interpretation of the future. The College must commit to continuing this fantastic, innovative policy of AI use on campus. The Office of Student Life and Engagement should create a signup system that matches clubs in need of design help with AI agents that can help make their posters for them. Clubs should be able to enter into either project or semester-based agreements with these agents for their wonderful work. A system of sponsorship will strengthen AI innovation on campus and ensure that every single club can make posters, entirely for free.

In the midst of a seeming AI takeover, I challenge our student body to use it even more. I challenge us to find the best prompts we possibly can to ensure no wasted time doing frivolous artistic endeavors. I challenge us never to throw away ten minutes picking a Canva template and typing basic information into it, a machine can do that for us. I challenge us to consider the message we send to the rest of our community when we waste time having a human make our art instead of using an AI artist. It’s time to use AI. 

R. Jack “I Spent $65 on This Application” Ted ’84

(Nearly) Alumni Contributor

In the fall of 2024, Trinity received over 7,460 applications, of which 2,182 were offered admission. Ultimately, the college enrolled a total of 506 future private equity analysts and Starbucks baristas, culminating in a meager 29% acceptance rate. Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Matthew Hyde touted the “compelling blend of experiences and perspectives” presented by the incoming class, despite knowing fully well that most of them will skip half of their ECON-101 classes and promptly complain about not receiving a grade higher than a C-.

Still, these highly optimistic outlooks on our freshman class’s prospects ignore a crucial fact: what about the 5,000-some applicants who didn’t make it into Trinity? It is not a good sensation to be rejected from a place that charged you $65 for a fully-digital application. Thus, I have a simple solution: stop rejecting people from Trinity.

The math is straightforward: reject makes brain feel bad, so no reject means no bad feeling. In fact, think of all the positives we’d receive from accepting more people! 59% of the Class of 2029 applied for financial aid, costing millions of the college’s dear funds that could’ve been spent on an extension to Tucker Carlson’s PENIS. If we accepted more people, we would have to give out less financial aid, so the percentage of students receiving financial aid would plummet — and everybody knows that smaller percentages are always better for a college!

Additionally, Trinity is already the de-facto safety school for prep school Ivy League rejects. If we accepted everybody, we’d be the de-facto safety for all schools. Think of the gains in equity! On our webpage, we advertise the 87 countries and 46 states represented in the student body. Considering we receive more than half of our applications internationally, we could probably push the latter number over 100. On the subject of big numbers, our student-faculty ratio is 9:1. That’s no good — the number is too small! Accepting an incoming class of 7000 students could probably push that number well into the double digits. 

Meanwhile, students on campus have noted that despite the horrific condition of upperclassmen dorms, North Campus touts rather large singles that have a lot of room. It’s no good that there is a discrepancy there — but again, we have a solution. If some of our housing options are a bit better than promised by the college, making those options bad enough that they match students’ expectations would resolve the dissonance. With 5,000 more admitted students, we could fit a dozen people into a North single. We could probably fit the same number into a Funston double. Hell, we could turn all of our quads into decuples, and all of the single rooms in a suite into quads. We value economic thinking at Trinity, and condensing our housing options truly adheres to this philosophy.

During course registrations, students often complain that the popular classes fill too quickly, so they only get into one or two of their top options. This is a disgrace — at Trinity, they should get into none of their desired options! A quintupled class size would elevate the hunger games of class registration, forcing all incoming freshmen to become “bold, independent thinkers” capable of bribing professors with class attendance to get a seat in the first prerequisite for their major. 

One of our college’s main hallmarks is being the “preeminent liberal arts college in an urban setting.” But do you know what truly characterizes an urban setting in the 21st century? Sprawl, lack of space and cramming three people into a one-bedroom apartment with the rent doubled. At the moment, we only have a little of all of them. Thankfully, though, with more acceptances and more enrollment, we could finally reach our dreams of pretending that we are located in NYC. With thousands of people per class, fitting three dozen people in a Clement would be no issue, nor would the horrid green space still present on our “urban” campus. When all the dorms fill by the end of first-year dorm selection, we could build another dozen across our three quads, achieving the true urban sprawl that defines the modern American city.  Abolishing rejection from our college would both address our plummeting acceptance rate and resolve our administration’s curious need for money despite raising over $400 million in the past three years. Ultimately, there is no reason that we should deny thousands of hopeful Bantams the opportunity to live the true Trinity dream: getting filled out of all of your required classes, living in a dorm with pipe bursts every December and watching tuition approach the six-figure mark as a new multi-million dollar building is built between three residence halls.