Carlson ’91, Watters ’01 and Will ’62 Declare Themselves a Polycule

Tucker’s Dom ’28

Political Junkie

In a startling turn of events, a few of Trinity’s famous firebrand conservative alumni declared in a press release yesterday that they were finally done lying to the world. No, their ceaseless commitment to conservative media coverage will not stop; instead, in a press release yesterday, Tucker Carlson ’91, Jesse Watters ’01 and George Will ’62 announced they’re in a long term, monogamous polycule with one another. 

While their stints at Trinity never overlapped, their love story began here on campus. Will and Carlson first met during an alumni panel for outspoken conservative voices in 2002, Will being drawn to Carlson’s pugnacious bowtie and boyish good looks. The two hit it off and had a steamy, secretive relationship until 2008, when they split after a disagreement on marginal tax rate policy. In the wake of their breakup, Carlson initiated a relationship with Watters backstage at Fox News. The two shared a celebratory first kiss during an ad break in Fox’s coverage of the 2010 midterm elections and have been on and off partners ever since. Anonymous mid-level Fox News staffers assert that Carlson became “visibly happier” after the relationship with Watters began, and that the two often had late night “strategy sessions” together that would last into the early hours of the morning. In 2017, Carlson and Will reconnected during a Heritage foundation event on cutting SNAP benefits, this time Carlson inviting Watters to join in. The three have been a secretive item ever since.

In their press release yesterday, the trio said they were “relieved to live in the shadows no longer” and that they had “grown to love and cherish each other’s company” during their nearly eight years together. They also chided the “woke liberal media,” claiming that its handling of this alleged controversy “stinks of putrid partisanship and lies.” They did not make any overtures to their shared alma mater in the statement, but Carlson later tweeted from his X account, “Excited to choke the chicken with George and Jesse tonight!” possibly a reference to Trinity’s mascot the bantam.  

During their live announcement on Fox News last night, Watters proclaimed, “I’m proud to call Tucker and George my life partners. Together we can do anything.” Will asserted that Carlson and Watters opened him up to a side of himself he’d “never really explored before,” but was incredibly excited the three found one another. Throughout the coverage, Will was often seen leaning over and whispering into Watters’s ear, prompting Watters to giggle and blush on camera. Unnamed sources at Fox News claim to have seen Carlson kicking his feet under his desk with glee during the segment.

When approached for comment, Watters and Will did not respond, instead their surrogates referring us to the aforementioned press release and their comments on Carlson’s segment last night; however, Carlson did reply to us, writing back via Grindr, “u want in?” 

The Tripod will continue to monitor this relationship as it unfolds.