How to Properly Ruin Your Relationship with Your Boy Best Friend

Loveless Loser ’25

Girl Best Friend

If you are a girl in your teens or early 20s, you probably have a boy best friend: a special guy that maybe you grew up with as a family friend, or who just gets you in a way that no other boys do. Obviously, most of the time the boy best friends have zero romantic feelings for their girl best friends, so it’s up to us females to properly ruin the relationship (as destiny dictates). Remember, in order to qualify your friendship as a real boy/girl best friend relationship, it must end by never speaking to each other again and forever wondering if he had feelings for you the whole time. It can be difficult to start this process, so here are some tips. 

Tip #1: be honest and communicative

Nothing will send your relationship downhill like you being a responsible, respectful person in your communication with your boy best friend. To be the most effective, you should ask him if he has time to talk about something very important to you, and explain that you have feelings for him but you would understand if it’s not reciprocated. Telling him your feelings must be the first action you take in order for this to work. Your respectful communication style will drive him absolutely nuts, as boy best friends typically respond poorly to mature conversation. Extra points if you still make an effort to have a normal friendship after you confess your feelings for him, as that will surely drive your friendship into the ground. 

Tip #2: allow him to use you for your body

This might be the most effective device for this situation. It is important that you start utilizing this tip AFTER you confess your feelings for him. This way, he knows you’re hooking up with him because you have feelings for him; he will have you wrapped around his finger, reaping the physical benefits without committing to anything emotional (which he realizes you are hoping will happen). Just as a reminder, when you guys hook up, he will be even more into it than you will, confusing you even more. You’ll know you’re on the right path when he says a maximum of five words the next morning, cannot look you in the eye and claims he has “a lot of homework to do” as he glances towards the door. 

Tip #3: ask him questions about other girls he is getting with

Prompts such as “tell me more about that girl I saw you leave with last weekend” and “would you really want to date her” are incredibly helpful at driving a wedge between you and your boy best friend for a few reasons. First, he is bound to sound like a complete douchebag when he answers, usually making some not-so-subtle misogynistic comments about his one night stand (which in turn solidifies your own internalized misogyny). Second, these comments are inevitably going to make you feel terrible and cry yourself to sleep at night, even though in the moment you’ll paste a smile across your face and nod robotically. Third, you asking about other girls will maintain the facade that you are absolutely fine after confessing your feelings towards him, even as you continue to make passive aggressive comments. This is overall a win-win for everyone. 

Tip #4: do NOT make him your boyfriend

While writing these tips, autocorrect keeps changing “boy best friend” into “boyfriend” which is exactly what you want to avoid. Dating this man is and should be your worst nightmare, and if you do make this decision, you will end up dating for three weeks until you can’t stand being in the same room with him, so you break up and he ugly cries on your shoulder. (This is before you start going back and forth between hooking up and no contact.) Remember, you should not come out of this unscathed – the friendship (not relationship!) should always end with you needing at least three years of therapy and him never considering your feelings ever again. 

Please keep these tips in mind when interacting with your boy best friend, or if there is an up and coming guy in your life that has the potential to claim that position. Contact the author at desperatelovelessloser@hotmail.com for more tips. 

*Endnote: this article only applies to girl/boy best friendships where each is attracted to the other gender. For tips on gay couples, please let me know because I’m trying to figure that out too. 

**Endnote 2: the author is one of the top experts in her field, successfully alienating three boy best friends and counting in her lifetime. For further questions about her performance and qualifications, please contact the email above.