We Must Continue to Placate the Plaque

3 min read

Dakota Ranch ‘(19)18

Devoted Acolyte

According to the prophecy, he was to emerge following the death of the Conqueror of Islands, the Realigner of Nations. Once our sovereign ruler entered the picture, it took only six months for destiny to assign him his rightful place. According to the scriptures, he spared the innocent ursine infant, just as he shall hopefully spare us when he comes to judge with a big stick. 

Our humble campus was fortunate enough to be graced by his presence, a date famously marked in our calendar as 60 A.T. (anno Theodori). In common parlance, it is known as the year 1918. His words had the power to reinvigorate the population, and single-handedly put an end to the dreadful war to end all wars. We, his dutiful followers, have memorialized his visit by placing a plaque on the very spot where his feet made contact with the earth. His words are inscribed in Latin such that only those with the excess money and time to learn a materially useless language might be able to access his wisdom. 

From 7:01 to 7:09 P.M. on the 26th day of each month, we conduct a sacred ritual. Donning a glorious mustache and pince nez in imitation of our leader, we congregate at the plaque and present an offering to our most gracious Teddy. Our sacrifice of choice is barbecue chicken pizza, honoring his rugged masculinity. However, lacking such provisions, any food product that is pure (i.e. properly labeled) will suffice. We do this in veneration of his commandment in 48 A.T. certifying safe and healthy food consumption for all.

We encourage anyone interested in the Sacred Order of the One True President to join us in our sacraments. By continuing to appease him, he may one day return for his third term, which shall be without end, and guide our nation into prosperity. We urge you to read our sacred texts, “The Rough Riders,” “Citizenship in a Republic,” and “A Square Deal” for a more comprehensive understanding of our principles. 

The story that the plaque can strike down the academic ambitions of any student who steps on it is merely a myth crafted by those who wish to obscure the truth of our faith. These are the unbelievers who, upon his return, would not vote for him in The Final Election. Do not let yourself fall into this disreputable category when the time comes. 

We believe it is time to extend our reach across not only the campus, but the nation as a whole. Someday all of us shall ride triumphantly across the plains that stretch from coast to coast on the back of our sacred steed: the Bull Moose. Imagine the Main Quad rejecting its exorbitant display of wealth and wasted water, and converting to a cattle ranch such that we may dine on steaks every day.

Should you prove that you are, like myself, among those of greatest devotion to him, he may grant you a position in the Most Eternal United States Cabinet. As he wrote of himself, “Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else,” and we wish to spread the truth of this timeless and most righteous man.

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