Bits & Pieces Breaking News

Dear Reader,

Welcome back! We hope your international vacation or domestic bed rot was exactly what you needed this spring break. Now it’s time to return to business with the most serious and well-researched section of your favorite student newspaper. While the weather starts to get warmer and you begin to shed that seasonal depression skin, we know you still have a lot on your mind, Bantams. March is a particularly harrowing month for many reasons. Whether it be midterms, the start of allergy season, the Ides of March or God forbid “Short King Spring.” In any case, we hope you can compartmentalize for a few minutes and enjoy this edition of Bits & Pieces.

BREAKING NEWS!

Kate Middleton Found Alive and Well

Hartford, March 19th Princess of Whales Kate Middleton was spotted at Trinity College just this morning, sources on the ground are saying. When asked about her sudden disappearance, she told B&P reporters that she “wanted to see what New England was about.” Though unsure about how long she plans to stay in Hartford, she says that she has been enjoying her time in Ogilby and is particularly fond of the pesto caprese sandwiches from The Bistro.

Elizabeth Holmes Sues Creator of Marriage Pact

Sources Say UHart Nuns to Perform at Spring Weekend

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