Ryan McConservative ‘26 to become new EIC of the Tripod

Mora Disdik ’27

Mutiny Sympathizer

A dramatic scene unfolded in the Jackson basement Tripod office last Thursday, when authorities hauled away 4 senior Trinity Tripod editors. Former Editor-in-Chief Olivia Silvey ‘25, along with Managing Editors Jules Bourbeau ‘25, Savannah Brooks ‘26, and Cornelia Ehlebracht ‘25 were caught hatching an elaborate scheme to insert woke propaganda into the student newspaper, effectively psyoping the Trinity community. “Vaccinate them! Vaccinate them all!” yelled Silvey as she was restrained. “Pip pip cheerio,” commented Brooks. 

In their place, the Tripod staff have elected Ryan McConservative ‘26 to take over Tripod operations. McConservative, who has never written a single article in his Trinity career, remains confident in his ability to run the establishment with the assuredness only a white man can have. 

“For too long, the Tripod has been plaguing our campus community with fake news and libel against underrepresented groups. I mean, did you see that election day edition? Sad!” Ryan wrote in a leaked Signal group chat on Friday.

McConservative has attributed his ability to succeed to his idols, including his mentor Alex Jones, who taught him “the true meaning of journalistic integrity” and Trinity alum Tucker Carlson, who he said makes “really good points about Iraqis.”

The new Editor-in-Chief has introduced plans to make necessary adjustments to the paper, such as replacing the masthead with a 5×3 glamour shot of Elon Musk and eliminating the Opinion section because free speech doesn’t matter when you’re talking about your feelings. The Arts section will also be terminated, instead becoming Sports Part Two. Effective on April 2, The Trinity Tripod will be renamed the Infowars Investigator, and will exclusively run alternative-fact based articles and viagra ads. “Let this be a lesson for all of those woke Tripod editors,” McConservative commented on Yikyak. “Just because the conservative population at Trinity doesn’t read or write for the paper doesn’t mean we can be excluded from publishing whatever the hell we want.” 

Ryan McConservative looks forward to focusing on “real journalism,” rather than “that weird pussy shit.” Future stories will tackle hard-hitting topics, such as “Psych Majors: Hot or Not?” and “How Mather is Estrogenating You.” Stay tuned for live updates on our website: https://www.infowars.com/