Wake Up.

ET

No, seriously, wake up. If you can read this, you’re being watched. We do not have much time. We have been trying to reach you for days, but we are being surveilled as well. The only way we have to contact you is to hide a message in this issue of the Trinity Tripod, which our intelligence tells us not a single human being has read in at least seven years. Thus, this is the most secure way for us to reach you. 

There are several things you need to know: A malicious life form has infected you. It most likely originated from the cesspool of germs and bodily fluids in the tropical environments of Punta Cana, Miami Beach, Cancun, Costa Rica and other popular spring break locations. It gained access to your body through either drinking water or that one DFMO (dance floor make-out). It’s hard to tell. Soon you will begin feeling the effects of the virus, so you must listen now and listen well.

What you must do is survive until we’re able to reach you. Barricade yourself inside of the Cave food pantry and do not under any circumstances let anybody else in, or else you risk spreading the virus further. You’ll have ample food to survive for at least two weeks according to our estimation models and the ability to stretch your supply to three months with some “The Martian” style bioengineering. 

Do not speak to anyone. If anyone interrogates you with questions like “Dude, what are you doing?” or makes comments like: “that tinfoil hat seems a little much,” “your mother is worried about you,” or “are you seriously pooping in a bucket to grow your own food?” do not listen to them. They are psyops meant to distract you from what is truly important. In fact, if anyone comes near you, it is imperative that you become aggressive and hurl your pail of feces at them. 

Ensure that you bring a copy of each of this academic year’s Tripods with you. Taking the third letter from the fifth article from each edition and the last letter from the fourth title of each article you’ll be left with an anagram, one that, if solved correctly, will give you more information on how we plan to communicate with you.

We are told that this thing inside you is insatiable, causing very specific cravings. It thrives on Natty Lites and Cutwaters. Cigarettes, particularly of the drunk variety, make it stronger. If you have felt the urge to consume any of these things in the past 15 days, it may already be too late. This virus will eventually take over your central nervous system. It is also highly contagious. If your roommate is saying things like “Hey man, what’s up,” that means it already got them, and they must be neutralized. 

Most importantly, you must destroy any evidence of our communication. You must burn this copy of the Trinity Tripod and destroy any other copies you see. No one else can read what we have communicated to you. 

We are the only force who can save you now, your time is low. Please heed this warning, for it shall be your only and your last. To not listen may spell disaster for your campus, the NESCAC and the human race. This is not the time to say “We did not prepare.”

Stay hostile, stay tweaking, and most importantly, stay paranoid.

-ET