Top 10 Ways to Procrastinate Your Finals

1. Go to class

An unpopular activity among most of Trinity’s student body, yet attending classes is actually a great way to avoid studying. The joy of finally learning that your econ class is actually incredibly interesting will make you feel so much better for not studying for your bio final. Studies show there’s a positive linear relationship between last week of class attendance and final grade. 

2. Hang out with friends

I mean this one is pretty undefeated. Nothing like cracking a few cold ones with the gents after a tough study session. Lowkey we’re gonna rip some Fort later if you guys want to hop on too. Might be throwin in a couple upper deckys, I know it’s a Tuesday night, but like we gotta unwind every once in a while. 

3. Protest campus finals procedure 

Are you mad that you have to stay till Friday when all of your friends leave on Tuesday? Are you annoyed that you have so many papers to write? Finals Week offers a great chance to make your voice heard by protesting outside JBS’s office. We’ll be meeting everyday at 2 p.m. on the Quad to make our voices heard, hopefully somebody will actually listen this time…

4. Gooning at Kink Safety 101

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… I love gooning so much… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… that feels so good… mmmmmmmmmm… I need more and more… mmmmmmmmm… I must keep going…

5. Apply to grad school

Why the fuck would I ever do this? Oh wait, I have no career path. I guess I could look at a couple, I guess Michigan is still accepting some anthropology applicants. Maybe I could get my PHD after too, then I’d probably never need to get an actual job, right?

6. Read the Tripod

This is by far our editorial staff’s favorite procrastination technique. I mean what could be better than reading the hard hitting journalism we present each and every week? What could you possibly do that’s better than reading our wonderful opinions or perusing our coverage of the arts on campus? I sure love the Tripod.

7. Shake up all the sodas in the Cave

By far our most explosive strategy, shaking up the sodas in the Cave offers a unique chance to bond with your fellow students, getting to point and laugh at them as a fountain of Diet Pepsi ruins their new pair of Golden Gooses. This activity is typically best done with a partner in crime to keep lookout while you shake, shake, shake!

8. Go to church

(easter? Something

Seeing as Trinity was once a Christian school, it feels only fitting that all of our students, no matter their issues with the Church, should come to the Chapel to celebrate Easter this year. The Chapel will be serving a complimentary Easter brunch for all attending Easter Mass, according to anonymous sources close to the congregation, “the food will be at least as good, or even slightly better than Mather.” 

9. Summon Minty with a seance 

Oh Minty, our poor Minty. How far you’ve ventured from your burrowed home. It’s in perilous times like Finals Week when we reflect on your greatness, your undying commitment to skunkiness across campus. Summoning Minty with a seance can be a great way to truly feel reconnected with her presence and can distract you from evil studying.

10.  Break into JBS’s house and see if she actually lives there

She doesn’t. We checked. It’s all a charade. She’s never lived there. She never has. She never will. JBS is that you? She’s in my walls. Oh my god JBS is in my walls. The president of Trinity College is in my walls. Oh no. Oh poor me.