BIGGER, BETTER, BULLETPROOF: Kristi Noem Takes on Gun Violence and Puppies

Angelica Gajewski ‘26

Executive Bits & Pieces Editor

Reports from inside the White House reveal that on Thursday morning, President Donald Trump and his cabinet held a meeting concerning the alarming rise in gun violence across the nation. The event advertised in the White House Slack channel as the “ BIGGER BETTER BULLETPROOF Brainstorm” consisted of Trump’s full cabinet including Eric Trump, who, while not initially anticipated to be part of the meeting, was reported to have been playing the recently released “Hollow Knight: Silksong” in an alcove. On the agenda was creating a bold, uniquely MAGA-esque plan to solve America’s deadly crisis. 

By the end of the 90-minute meeting, a few solutions stood out. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth pitched mandatory ninjutsu training for all K-12 instructors. Secretary of Education Linda McMahon proposed a theatrical Grand Slam initiative which entailed having prospective domestic terrorists battle it out in the ring. Ultimately, it was Kristi Noem’s contrastingly holistic approach of instituting a National Dog Hunting Day that came out on top. The Secretary of Homeland Security’s proposal included the implementation of a new obligatory holiday, as well as the mandating of local schools and churches to hold puppy-hunting events. Initially garnering side-eyes, Noem soon won her colleagues over by highlighting the “get it out of your system” nature of the solution and the potential for a collaboration opportunity with the National Rifle Association.

Congressional republicans have expressed support for Noem’s vision:

“I’m proud to support an administration that is fiercely protective of our youth. No podcast host should ever end up like an elementary school teacher again. I support this brave initiative, and any patriot should too!” 

In contrast, pups around the country, including Trinity College’s own community support dog Cooper, have expressed concern over the proposal. Cooper took to his personal X account, where his username is @CoopTheNotorious, to address Noem head-on:

“Political violence has no place in America, but, @KristiNoem, call this plan off for your own sake. If not, you know where I’m at. #IBite #HandsOff #Botox”

Noem has since called for the deportation of the four-month-old labrador.