New AMC Nicole Kidman Ad Pulls Back the Curtain on Censorship

Angelica Gajewski ‘26

Executive Bits & Pieces Editor

Every American who has seen a movie in the last three years has heard the voice of Nicole Kidman inviting us to a world of wonder with the phrase, “We come to this place for magic.” Now, AMC’s latest ad reveals a spell-breaking truth behind the theater chain’s new marketing and adherence to radically different FTC guidelines. It began last week when moviegoers noticed a difference in Kidman’s monologue. Now dressed in a stark white dress and red hat, the mediocre actress and star of the 2001 Tom Cruise divorce saga opens the ad not with awe, but with a more grounded message: “We come to this place to watch car montages and look at breasts,” with Even Kidman’s signature closing line is being effected and modified to “MAGA…we make movies obedient.” Viewers across the country soon discovered how the Federal Trade Commission had utilized Kidman’s ad as an instrument of their new film marketing technique, in collaboration with the White House and AMC. The Trinity Tripod has exclusive reporting on the commission’s new handbook.

Each new film premiering in theaters must be screened by an FTC chairman for inclusion of faith, family and lots of gun scenes with cool music overlapped. In an effort to implement the new strategy as quickly as possible, the commission has released an updated handbook, which includes specific guidelines for each film, some of which are:

• At least one gun must be utilized by a good guy.
• All veterans must be hot, rich and have all their limbs.
• Each production must donate a minimum of $10,000 to the administration’s current favorite influencer’s family.
• The national anthem must play at least once, preferably during a drone strike.
• You must follow and have notifications on for the president’s X account.

In addition to the increased content regulation, theaters are now subject to the handbook’s “Holographic Joseph R. McCarthy Above the Seats” policy, which, as the name suggests, requires a hologram of Joseph R. McCarthy to be projected above the audience during all screenings. The policy has already drawn confusion from theater staff at locations in which the hologram has been installed, many of whom report frequent glitches and even instances of the image pointing accusingly at random.

Ultimately, the most detailed section of the handbook isn’t about guns, patriotism or unsightly veterans; it’s about protecting JD Vance’s image from Canva-induced domestic terrorism. The bulk of the 60-page handbook is visual examples of banned imagery, including but not limited to: JD Vance as a bald man, JD Vance with a perm, JD Vance fat, JD Vance skinny, JD Vance as a minion, JD Vance as a woman, JD Vance as that kid from Willy Wonka, JD Vance with a red filter, JD Vance with eyeliner and emo hair, JD Vance with blue eyes, JD Vance yassified, JD Vance as an egg and JD Vance with various Snapchat filters. The closing line of the handbook reads, “They say ‘You laugh, you lose’ but also if you make them laugh, we’ll sue your network, threaten your career and make sure you never work in this town (nation and its allies) again.” The quote extends to the back cover of the handbook, making for a rather clunky read. ★★★ / 5