Evil Spirit Torturing Hansen Basement Residents Declares End to Reign of Terror

Alex Gervais ’28

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In a shocking turn of events, Hansen Basement is finally being freed from the oppressive rule of its demonic overlord: the insanity is finally coming to an end. 

The bad luck began for Hansen Basement residents on the night of Jan. 25, when steam was reported pouring into the hallways and the “unmistakable stench of half-digested Mather fish bites” filled the air. It soon became evident that a pipe had burst, turning parts of Hansen Basement into federally protected swamp land and claiming the lives of dozens of innocent rugs. As sewage cascaded from the ceilings and into the hallways, residents rushed to get anything and everything off their floors before it was enveloped by The Evil Liquid.

To make matters worse, two weeks later, Hansen Basement residents reported a “genuinely radioactive” smell coming from the men’s bathroom. After further investigation by the Tripod, it appears that someone — a resident, a guest, a higher power, maybe even Joe DiChristina — performed a waffle stomp in one of the communal shower stalls. Based on the “probably life-threatening” odor coming from the bathroom on that fateful morning, it appears that the stomp failed. Brave custodial workers cleaned up the failed attempt the next morning, but some report the smell lingering to this very day. 

A week after the Stomp of ‘26, disaster struck again, another wave of raw sewage flooding select rooms in Hansen Basement. “It seems like these pipe bursts are entirely arbitrary,” said one resident. “Like why is there an inch of water in my room, yet my neighbor’s is bone dry? It just seems like somebody is playing a trick on us; it’s like I’m being targeted” she rightfully complained. 

It was unclear exactly what was behind this rough streak for Hansen Basement residents, but it seems an answer has finally been found. The Tripod sat down with the demonic spirit who is claiming responsibility for these misfortunes. Granted anonymity on the fear of “giving up the game,” the demon admitted: “Oh yeah that was all me; I mean pretty impressive stuff right? I thought the sewage theme would be compelling; real existentialist societal critique stuff going on right there, painting with the brush of tragedy as the kids say.”

When asked about their reasons for the attacks the ghoul was forthright: “I mean c’mon, they deserved it; who in their right mind would be stupid enough to live in a godforsaken basement? Look at our acceptance rate, I thought these students were supposed to be smart.” They went on, “They’re all also cosmically marked with copious aura debt for losing the housing lottery last year, so I figured I’d just pile on, it seemed like the right thing to do.” Answering about their reason for targeting specific dorms, the demon underscored their strategy: “I take a data-driven approach to pain utility maximization: I’ve created a multivariate algorithm that ensures I target the residents who will be inconvenienced the most. It’s actually been a nice collaboration between myself and some of Trinity’s finest graduates who went into private equity, or PE as they insist on calling it. Those fantastic folks sure know how to pair efficiency and suffering, and their sinister air matches my personal brand really well.” Despite his penchant for causing pain, the demon seemed content with how their efforts had turned out: “I was sent here to terrorize 26 unknowing individuals who dared tempt me with the purity of their souls. It seems my work here is done.”

“I’ve decided to move on to more fruitful endeavors,” said the demon, “these poor simpletons, I think they’ve had enough, for now.” When asked about their next target the ghastly ghoul remained mystical: “I can’t tell you too much about my future plans, but I sure hope the FOrg ‘professors’ own space heaters and two weeks worth of military rations.”