International Students Asked to Declare Major, Minor and “Intentions”

Visa De’Cline ’26

Staff Liaison for Tactical Hospitality

In a move described by the administrators as “proactive hospitality” and by everyone else as “pre-deportation RSVP,” Trinity College Admissions has announced a new mandatory filing requirement for all international students. Effective immediately, students on F-1 visas must declare their major, their minor, and “intentions” (Form I-WON’T RESIST).

The policy, which the Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid claims was developed during a “fever dream of administrative efficiency,” aims to streamline the process of being a non-citizen in the United States.

Labelled as “gentle vetting,” the new intentions clause requires students to disclose more than just their post-grad plans. Questions on the revised form include: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you value your freedom of speech” and “In the event of a sudden, unprovoked legacy strike on your home country, would you prefer to be removed via coach or raft?” (meaning unclear).

“We are calling it routine due diligence,” said Dean of Students Sonia Cardenas. “It is about making the students feel seen. Specifically, seen by high-altitude thermal imaging and GPS trackers provided by our wonderful Department of War.”

The office formerly known as Office of International Students and Scholars (OISS) has been rebranded as The Program for International Security & Surveillance (PISS). Sources suggest that the office is no longer located in Cornelia Center but has been relocated to a windowless van idling near Mather circle.

This directive comes after the U.S. Department of Education suggested that international students are “basically tourists with library cards” and should be taxed per syllable spoken in a non-American English tongue. 

Trinity remains consistent with these values. The college replaced the traditional I-20 form with an ankle monitor (customizable in U.S. flag colors for students eager to display their patriotism) that glows when the student enters a “sensitive area.” Officials remain silent on the definition of sensitive areas but many international students report increased glowing within a 100 foot radius of the Hall.

“It’s actually very convenient,” said one junior from Bangkok who requested to be identified only as ‘Target 402.’ “Now, when I forget my ID at the Cave, the nearest government drone just alerts me that my 30-day grace period is now a 30-second sprint to the border. It is the kind of personalized attention you only get at a small liberal arts college.”

When asked for comment, the President Dan G. Lugo told the Tripod, “At Trinity, we believe in a global community. We just believe that our community should be highly trackable, legally precarious and ready to vacate their dorms within three minutes of a presidential tweet.”

Important note: students who fail to file their “intentions” by midnight will have their living privileges revoked and replaced with a one-way ticket to a “Specialized Learning Center,” which the brochure describes as having “excellent waterfront views in the tropics of Guantanamo Bay.”