Trinity Faculty “Too Irrelevant” To Be Named In Epstein Files

Orson Suckit ’26

Staff Instigator

In the massive Department of Justice release of over three million pages of documents, including hundreds of thousands of emails from New York financier Jeffrey Epstein, the Trinity community was horrified to see that no familiar names emerged.

“I mean, seriously, not one?” Holden Mibbals ’26 exclaimed in an interview with the Tripod.  “In 2013, like everyone in higher ed was getting invited to that damn island,” said Mibbals. “Professors from Harvard, Yale, MIT, Duke, ASU, American… like seriously? An American University professor got an invite but not any of ours?” 

“Look, we’re no Harvard or Yale,” Bea Yotch ’28 added, “and ASU is a no-brainer if you’re throwing massive roofie-infested freak parties, but American University is a little ridiculous.” Professor Adam Kissel, who worked at American from 2018 to 2019, was quick to interject. “We definitely have roofies at American University,” he stated.

Marvin Minsky of MIT, David Gelernter of Yale University, and famed linguist Noam Chomsky of Harvard are just some of the members of esteemed academia who have proven themselves, through rigorous intellectualism, to be worthy of committing Class A felonies with billionaire republicans. The Tripod interviewed several professors about their lack of involvement. Many refused to comment. One FOrg professor burst into tears, mumbling that he “never got an invite.” “Massive L,” a Tufts University spokesperson commented, unprompted. 

The campus’s perception of their professors has been damaged by this discovery. “Our professors are supposed to be inspirational — the top of their fields. Meanwhile everyone else in academia is in on this and they’re not? Seriously, I looked over all three million pages — nothing about any Trinity professors being on islands, yachts, private jets, or even a lousy ‘pizza party.’ It’s just sad. It makes us look like dweebs,” says Lynn Dugh ’27. 

Indeed, the sentiment was one shared by other Trinity faculty and administrators. President Dan Lugo skipped several faculty meetings after the news got out, reportedly telling Dean of Faculty Sonia Cardenas, “I don’t wanna hang out with those losers,” to which Cardenas responded “Facts twin, let’s fade. What are they gonna do, not be invited?” 

The English Department was reportedly unperturbed by the community’s embarrassment, with the department head Professor Sarah Bilston, stating  “We may not have been invited, but that’s fine by us. We have our OWN pizza parties every semester.” 

“Come to Festivus!” Neda Jahb ‘27 interjected from the hallway.