Alex Gervais ’28
Politics Man
After thorough review of Trinity Election Commission (TEC) filings, the Tripod has determined that Pah Litician ’30, a recently elected SGA Senator, received direct contributions from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC). The Tripod spoke with Litician to set the record straight on their campaign contribution policies.
“Wait, I can take donations?” Litician asked the Tripod, seemingly unaware her campaign had received funds from any outside source. “Do you think it was the sandwich that dude offered to buy me at the Bistro? I just thought he was being nice and I really wanted to save a meal swipe. Like, it was Monday and I already only had two left.” The Tripod independently verified that this donation was equal to the value of a Bistro caprese sandwich with extra avocado.
“I mean I’ve heard of AIPAC, who hasn’t? But I couldn’t even find Israel on a map if you asked me to,” said Litician. “I’d say I’m apolitical at best, I really have no idea about what’s going on over there.”
Litician ran on a platform of turning the Long Walk into moving walkways and increasing the number of small, adorable critters on campus. Her campaign made no mention of Israel. “I’m just kind of confused,” said Litician. “I really don’t understand [AIPAC’s] angle here.” Mysterious mailers also appeared in the mailboxes of each first-year student promoting Litician’s campaign. The mailers were paid for by Concerned Students for a Better Trinity, a 501(c)(4) organization that TEC filings show was created only weeks before the SGA election.
In a statement released to the Tripod, AIPAC defended their contribution: “We’re proud to support candidates at every level of government, even those with seemingly no actual amount of power, as is standard for SGA Senators.” The statement continued: “We look forward to supporting a respectable bipartisan candidate like Pah Litician. She takes after many great talents before her like Susan Collins and Jake Auchincloss, true get-stuff-done moderates and strong supporters of Israel.”
“Are they going to make a Track AIPAC post about me now?” asked Litician. “Ugh, that’ll definitely go viral on YikYak.”
