Gahm Bler ’29
Already Eliminated from Playoffs
As week one of fantasy football came into full swing, so did the academic year at Trinity, classes kicking off alongside NFL games. Administration used this opportunity to announce a new student engagement program: the world’s first fantasy academia league.
In a televised speech to the student body, Vice President of Fun Times and Good Hangs Ben Anderson (also known for his role as VP of Advancement) laid out the administration’s vision for the league.
Students can join 16 person leagues, where they’ll randomly be placed among their peers and vie for victory. Points will be calculated based on classroom-level metrics like adjusted class participation rate, mean lesson absorption level and LUGO, which is an aggregate stat for learning, understanding, gravitas and outstandingness.
“I’m really excited to build a team,” said Fahn Dhual ’27. “I’ve been doing mocks for the past few weeks and my draft board is definitely built out. I’m looking for some upside potential in the American Studies department, lowkey they’re so multi-faceted and intersectional, brings a big boom-bust potential you really need out of your flex spot. I’m also doing some deep scouting on the neuroscience department; I know they’re definitely a little overvalued after years of the JBS buff, but I could see some real diamond in the rough potential, maybe some waiver wire additions later down the line.”
Some students worry this league was created in a vain effort to collect even more data on their professors: “I mean how do you even judge LUGO?” asked Laim Oh ’30. “We’re putting values on completely meaningless variables now? What are we, a senior who cheated their way through research methods trying to write a strangely quantitative focused public policy thesis while totally ignoring the impact of covariance on their adjusted r-squared? It all seems a little big-brothery.”
Others are concerned that the league will create incentive structures not compatible with learning: “Lowkey my professors might just participation spam,” said Shai Ghurl ’29. “I’m not a big talker in class, so they might get mad at me for not speaking, especially because everytime I talk they get a 1.5x bashful student point bonus.”
According to administration, data will be collected by a series of cameras and microphones set up in each classroom and then fed to a proprietary LLM, which will make determinations of crucial statistics. When asked over email if the cameras would be using technologies that mirror those of Flock administration replied only with a winking face emoji.
The draft will take place on Wednesday night from 6:00-7:00pm in the Washington Room. Students will sit at state of the art “fantasy desks,” which the Tripod has independently verified are plastic folding tables with an iPad mini taped to the middle.
While the last place punishment is to be announced yet, rumors are swirling that losing students may have to spend a night living in Hansen Basement or do the 24 hours in Mather challenge.
