President Jake McPhail ’24 Escapes The Hall

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APRIL 9, HARTFORD- Sources have confirmed that SGA President Jake McPhail ’24 has escaped his week-long captivity in St. Anthony Hall. As many of our readers are aware, the president was compromised last week by brothers of the dismissed frat in hopes of being able to gain some leverage for their castle. 

It was a long arduous week of protesting and negotiation for Trinity students, concerned for the safety of their beloved president. As rumors began to circulate, witnesses heard screams coming from the top of Vernon Street. One passerby reportedly heard the words “They won’t even tell me what happened to the Pho in the cave, how would I be able to suspend your frat?”  Sometime after that McPhail was seen climbing over the fence, eventually triumphant in his quest to escape his captors. 

A press conference was held shortly thereafter to get some clarity about the situation from the source himself. Visibly shaken up, McPhail told B&P reporters, “After tense negotiations, I was able to secure my release from the hall. My lungs are still recovering from all the cigarettes I had to smoke, and I kinda have a tummy ache from all those Slim Jims,” when asked about his experience. 

After this event has shocked the student body to its core; many are seeking immediate disciplinary action. The idea of taking another couple of years onto the already lengthy suspension the frat has accrued was floated around, but eventually, this was determined to not be effective as the perpetrators have already been desensitized to it. Alternatively, the brothers will be forced to eat Mather baked cod for the rest of their academic career at Trinity. In response, one family is reportedly suing the administration for cruel and unusual punishment. More updates to follow.

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