What Your Peter B’s Order Says About You

Cate Griffin ‘27

Contributing Writer

Let’s be honest: we’re college students, so naturally we all have crippling caffeine addictions. And with two coffee shops on campus, it’s pretty much impossible to avoid spending ridiculous amounts of money satisfying this addiction. But have you ever stared into the judgemental eyes of a Peter B’s barista while ordering and wondered if your caffeinated beverage of choice is maybe a bit too stereotypical? If it reveals the inner depths of your soul? If your answer is yes,  then you’re in luck, because I’m going to tell you what kind of person I think you are based on said caffeinated beverage. If not, too bad, since I’m going to tell you anyway. 

Plain Black Coffee 

If your go-to order is an Americano (or better yet, a “regular black coffee”) I’m inclined to believe that you’re singlehandedly responsible for the Yik Yak complaints about people smoking cigarettes on the Long Walk at 8 AM. You probably wear cable-knit sweaters when it’s September and still 80 degrees outside, and are knowledgeable on the subject of Doc Martens-induced blisters. Some would call you pretentious, but you’re probably just a philosophy major. God forbid someone reads Descartes for fun! 

Matcha 

You’re either A) a man who’s really (you swear!) interested in the feminist literature you carry around in your tote bag, which is definitely not just something for you to read broodingly around campus, or B) a regular at the Pilates classes in Scully. You wouldn’t be caught dead there without a matching Alo Yoga set and your Lululemon mat, and the other girls are definitely jealous of how long you can hold a plank. 

Chai Charger 

You have a 12-page paper due Friday and a sorority formal on Saturday, so you need a drink that will both keep you wired for the next four to six hours and that doesn’t actually taste like coffee. Your study playlist is “The Life of a Showgirl” on repeat, and your notes are perfectly organized and color-coded. You haven’t gotten a bad grade since elementary school, and despite the time you invest into curating your museum-worthy Instagram feed, that’s not about to change now. 

Celsius 

You spend the majority of your day in the Econ lab, and you’re still wearing flip flops and shorts outside even though it’s November. Secretly, you’re dying to try a pumpkin spice latte, but at least the 200 milligrams of caffeine in a Cosmic Vibe Celsius will energize you for hours of looking at stock prices (or whatever goes on in the Econ lab).

Hot Tea

You were also a victim of this fall’s surge of Trinfluenza. Hope you get well soon! 

Iced Latte 

If you get an iced latte with oat or almond milk, you’re probably vegetarian or vegan, and swear that the Mather plant-based chicken tenders are even better than the real thing (or you just don’t want to seem basic by getting plain old 2%). If you get an iced latte with soy milk, you have to be allergic to pretty much everything, because I don’t know why you would willingly order coffee with soy milk otherwise. If you get it with regular milk or half-and-half, you fear nothing, not even the dreaded post-Peter-B’s sprint to the bathroom. I will not elaborate further.