HUGH JASS ’23
Sept 15, 2021 (PROVIDENCE): All 6,792 students at Brown University were sent scurrying in different directions on the 146-acre Ivy League campus moments after cable news commentator Tucker Carlson ’91 criticized the school’s extreme COVID policy on his controversial nightly political commentary show.
Witnesses described panicked, double-masked students holding their hands over their ears repeating “I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!” and “La La La La I’m not listening! I’m not listening!” as they ran towards designated campus Safe Spaces where they assumed the fetal position in a spa-like atmosphere. The following day, Brown students uttered a collective sigh of relief when new full head coverings were distributed to all students that cover the mouth, nose, eyes and ears. The masks are claimed to be 100% effective at shielding the wearer from any “unwanted, unapproved or unpopular speech.”
A gift of trustee emeritus and major donor Martin J. Offgran, the Brown Full Head Mask was first introduced to a select portion of the student body one month ago at a lavish school-sponsored “Offgran Dinner” held in honor of the undergraduates considered the best, brightest & most likely to have a building named after them.
Initially, students at Brown were outraged that full head masks (now known on campus as “Carlson Masks”) were only distributed to Brown’s elite, but the delay was actually because the circumference of the average Brown student’s head was found to be too inflated to fit inside a normal mask.
Several administrators were asked to comment, but could not be understood over the phone.