Satirical Savery: Make Spring Weekend Great Again!

Another Spring Weekend has come to a close, and all of the classics were present: darties, concerts from almost notable artists, destruction of property, and of course the cancellation of a controversial headliner. Last year, I wrote that Spring Weekend was not wild enough, this year I am more convinced of that fact than ever. Yes, it may be the one weekend a year that campus safety will let people parade around the Long Walk with bottles of champagne in hand, but that should be allowed every weekend. Was campus often filled with the sweet sound of the Yodeling Walmart Kid remix? Absolutely, but how is it fair that he performed at Coachella and not at TC Spring Weekend 2018? We Bantams need to take a long look in the mirror and ask ourselves what kind of school we want to be. Underwhelming Spring Weekends pile up, one day this campus could wake up and realize it is the new Wesleyan. A terrifying thought, yes, but an all too real possibility.
Trinity is a party school, an elite liberal arts college too, but first and foremost a party school. An interview in The New York Times described Trinity as, “…the epicenter of preppy partying in the Northeast.” If we fail to live up to that standard, what do we have left? Excellent professors? Rich architecture? Squash? No one cares about any of that if we cannot cultivate widespread debauchery on a weekly, or more accurately “weekendly,” basis. If Trinity’s lack of moral turpitude does not seem obvious then simply look to the quad. It is mid-April and the quad remains in near pristine shape, does Trinity have any respect for Frederick Law Olmsted? Like his other great work, New York’s Central Park, Trinity’s main quad should be filled with trash by now. Perhaps the Bantams have gone soft, maybe Chartwells put something besides unripe fruit in the water, because this campus is clearly sedated.
Spring Weekend was only a partial success at best, while it delivered spring weather for a couple of days, it failed to live up to the latter half of its name. Spring Weekend only covered Friday and Saturday, now those are undoubtably days of the weekend, but what about Sunday? Is the Lord’s day unworthy of celebration? If Spring Weekend is to remain an institution at Camp Trin, it must fulfill its promises. From henceforth all festivities should begin on Tuesday, the true start of the Trinity weekend, and end on Monday, the last day of any good long weekend. The college’s administration and their cronies in Barnyard have put dangerous and fiendish constraints on Spring Weekend, not only the fact that it only lasts two days, but that for the past two years it has been inside of the hockey rink. Spring is a time to be outside, if white sneakers are not stained with mud and if the grass on LSC quad does not sustain permanent damage, how will anyone know there was a Spring Weekend at all?
Spring Weekend is not doomed to a future of beige and boredom, but it may be if Camp Trin does not band together and collectively make a turn for the decadent. How will this be accomplished? Here are just a few modest proposals: a massive wooden Bantam to be ignited à la Burning Man, fountains flowing with boxed wine instead of water fountains, and ceremonially and symbolically opening Spring Weekend by throwing money out all the windows on campus in unison. Should the issues identified in this article be rectified and the reforms be implemented, Spring Weekend will again be the greatest collegiate bacchanal in the Northeast. Make Spring Weekend great again!

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