Student Government Declares War on Smoking After Groundhog Incident

Angelica Gajewski ‘26

Executive Bits & Pieces Editor

BREAKING: Trinity has launched a new intervention program through the SGA after Jeff the Groundhog was found addicted to cigarettes in the basement of Seabury Hall. While the college says it is still conducting a full investigation, the student government has already made its primary targets clear: international students from Europe and anyone majoring in philosophy. In a post to Instagram, SGA released a statement on their new campaign:

“At Trinity, we believe recovery starts small. Jeff small. While he and his family are requesting privacy at this time, he has shared a desire to recover. We look forward to helping Jeff while addressing the historic issue of tobacco-use-by-cool-people-in-leather-jackets-on-campus-which-makes-you-think-you’d-be-cool-too-then-you-end-up-in-the-basement-of-Seabury-Hall-ism on campus.”

The campaign’s initiative is set to begin on Monday with prevention in mind, urging students to report individuals who meet the following criteria:

• Carrying a tote bag 

• Drinking plain black coffee 
• Perpetually staring off in a disillusioned way

Some Trinity community members have expressed concern over these hyperspecific efforts, calling the campaign “discriminatory,” “loser-coded” and even “seeping with anti-cool and anti-small-mammal rhetoric.” The SGA was quick to issue a response to a concerned student in their comments, writing, “We are not targeting any individual groups on campus, we’re just ‘Following the Smoke,’” in reference to the initiative’s title.