Happy Valentine’s Day! Here are some horoscopes. Listen, or don’t.

For many, February 14th is a day to celebrate that special person in your life. For others, it’s a more general day to celebrate love in all of it’s forms. And for the rest of us, it’s a tortured day of Instagram jumpscares and FOMO-induced anxiety. Whatever catgeory you fall into, we hope you remember to stand ten toes down this Valentine’s day. PS, happy Aquarius season

  • Aquarius: You are not quirky and esoteric for hating V-Day, Aquarius. Go on that date. We all know you secretly want flowers anyway.
  • Pisces: We recommend you try turning over a new leaf this month (your ex from three years ago is NOT coming back).
  • Aries: You wonder why you can’t get a date but you have the energy of 17-year-old boy who punches holes in his wall. Go to therapy and then maybe you can retain Tinder privileges.
  • Taurus: Get out from under your weighted blanket, turn off Gilmore Girls, and go have some fun! How will you ever get to live out your insane delusions if you keep being so stubborn?
  • Gemini: If you’re worried about your date going well, try letting them get a word in. Yes, you’re probably more interesting, but it wouldn’t hurt.
  • Cancer: That Capricorn who takes 3-5 business days to respond your snaps is not going to ask you out. It’s time to stop putting the hopeless in hopeless romantic.
  • Leo: Love is in the air for you, Leo. It may just be found in your self obsession, but something is better than nothing.
  • Virgo: You don’t even need a horoscope, we know you’ve planned the entire month out including the perfect Valentine’s date. Maybe be careful with the candy; I don’t know one Virgo who doesn’t have chronic digestive issues.
  • Libra: Knowing you, you’re either painstakingly narrowing down the roster or fantasizing about someone who doesn’t know you exist. Wherever you’re at, just know you probably won’t find the love of your life in the basement of a frat.
  • Scorpio: You are not dropping hints like you think you are, Scorpio. This is not the time for subtlety. The world will not explode if you tell someone how you feel, we promise.
  • Sagittarius: This is the year to let your fear of commitment go, Sag! Or maybe just try to keep that talking stage going for longer than a week before you ghost.
  • Capricorn: Be open to letting your guard down a little. We’re all aware of your impossibly high standards, but it won’t kill you to swipe a couple times on Hinge.

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