90k a Year Is Too Low a Price to Pay for the Trinity Experience

Ima GNF Arsehowl ’29

AD Basement-goer

We’re all thinking it: This school is too cheap. As tuition has steadily climbed across America and the minimum wage has plateaued, I think it is time that we as a school evaluate our price tag. Trinity is the most expensive school in Connecticut at around $95,000, beating out even Yale, whose total sticker price goes at around $90,500. To be frank, 90k is chump change. It’s nothing to a big baller like me. I think Trinity has the opportunity to boost prestige and campus climate by becoming the first college in the entire country to have tuition exceeding $150,000+ per year. 

This figure can be reached by taking the amount of students on campus, adding the amount of kegs we go through per academic year, dividing by 18.23 and then multiplying by 67. It’s very simple math. Even someone in QLit could do it! 

Trinity’s 90k figure always read as a little low to me. Is that the price of post-Calypso exodus to Mather? The price of waking up to your roommate puking on your Crescent staircase? Because to me, those memories are priceless. 90k would not begin to cover it. By becoming the most expensive college in the country, we would be putting our name out there as one of the least accessible schools that is still academically mediocre. This would no doubt attract students who are truly passionate about the right things: day drinking, online shopping and bag.

If students can’t afford this figure, then do we even want them at Trinity? This demographic is a stain upon our campus values. 1) They’re broke. 2) They eat dust. 3) They’re not hustlers. Would this not be a perfect way to boost entrepreneurship? By making students hungry for it? To me, this is a classic sink or swim situation. And lord, I hope only the fine swimmers survive. 

With such a low tuition, I’m afraid we are sacrificing a huge part of campus culture for the sake of “accessibility” and “DEI.” I have seen a steady decrease in Goyard bags in the library and tacky Peppermayo dresses at formals. Whatever happened to everyone’s Ozempic prescription? I see you fatties getting seconds at Mather…it saddens my heart to see everyone becoming complicit in this senseless war against the rich. I want classmates who understand what it’s like to summer on Nantucket, who truly share my cultural sensibilities. How can I bear to share a classroom with someone who’s never had an Erewhon smoothie? 

On a related note, I also think we should do away with scholarship students, as they bring a poor vibe in, and poor people make me sick. The truth? I get off swiping daddy’s AmEx. I mean, it’s platinum for Christ’s sake. It glints so beautifully in the sun and it makes me feel excited and special both emotionally and physically. I don’t want to have to keep spending my money on my Kappa dues in order to feel important — given the caliber of our campus, our unbeatable dorms and the ratio of blondes to brunettes, $150,000 is more than fair. In fact, it might be the only answer.