Banty’s Ex-Wife ’26
Exec. Bistro Smoothie Bowl Eater
Students are calling it the Trincoll Moon Landing. There is finally an answer as to why Trinity College has so many ginger students.
The gingerfication of Trincoll began in the early 1990s with an indiscriminate spike of redheads being admitted into the institution. Since then, this increase has only grown and amongst students and chill staff, there have been many attempts at explaining this phenomenon: gingers being smarter on average than the general population, gingers being dumber on average than students that get into Yale, and even a substantiated rumor that director of admissions, Anthony T. Berry has a thing for them. As it turns out, the reality of the situation was much more QAnonesque than anyone could have anticipated.
On the evening of March 29th, the Trinity College community finally got an answer to this nearly 30-year mystery. A campus security officer, who states he was totally not under any influence “like at all”, found himself under Seabury Hall amongst a sea of red hair. As he described the experience, “…man, I just wanted somewhere to hide from my supervisor and suddenly I’m underground.” The campus security guard, who goes by “the one in the drug rug” around campus, had found himself on an elevator hidden behind the Mather Hall Bantam Bucks card machine. When asked why he was utilizing the machine to begin with, he simply insisted he was not under any influence.
Prior to this revelation, some students had taken it upon themselves to investigate further. In mid 2012, a group of ambitious sophomores formed an unofficial “Ginger Task Force,” determined to uncover the deeper origins of this undeniable trend. Armed with nothing but iPhone 5’s and a “seeing is believing” line of ginger merchandise, the group was ultimately unable to unearth the secret society. However, some are now petitioning to reinstate the organization as a group dedicated to implementing a ginger checks and balances system.
The revelation of a secret underground society of gingers has since caused ripples across the Trinity community. A representative from The Secret Society of On Campus Gingers has noted, “We are taking this matter seriously, the very shape of our organization has changed overnight.” In an exclusive interview with the Tripods resident ginger translator, the representative divulged the mission of the group as simply being the increase of gingers on e-boards across campus, “Our founders noticed that there weren’t any gingers in on-campus organization leadership and the SSCG was born. Our focus is primarily on professional development, we host multiple workshops a week, take professional headshots, and yes, sometimes we hold the occasional non-ginger sacrifice.”
The Secret Society of On Campus Gingers will be holding a social hour on Friday, April 4th from 3am-4am. Non-gingers are welcome and encouraged to bring their souls.
+ There are no comments
Add yours