Greatest Films of All Time—Trust Me

Roger Ebert ’64

Film Critic

I, Roger Ebert, have made a name for myself over the years as one of the most credible film critiques of all time. For this reason, you must trust that the following films on this list are absolute bangers and I am never wrong.

My personal favorite and unequivocally one of the most influential genres in cinematic history is shark. You have films like “Jaws,” “Jaws 2,” “Jaws 3-D,” “Jaws: The Revenge,” but none can compare to my top picks. Ask anyone with half a brain and they’ll tell you that these films are the next “Citizen Kane:” “Sharkenstein,” “Sharkula,” “Bigfoot vs. Megalodon,” “Shark Side of the Moon,” “2-Headed Shark Attack” (as well as “3-Headed Shark Attack,” “5-Headed Shark Attack,” and “6-Headed Shark Attack;” “4-Headed Shark Attack” isn’t worth your time), “Shark Exorcist,” and “Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre.” I know this list is extensive, but do yourself a favor and take a week off of work or school or taking care of a sickly family member to really digest all of these films. I recommend going into each of them completely blind to ensure you don’t come across any spoilers as that would be an absolute tragedy.

Assuming most of you have heard of the 1979 horror classic “The Amityville Horror” based on the real life hauntings that took place in Amityville, New York back in the 1970s and beyond, I would be doing you all a disservice by not alerting you to these next films that far surpass the original. Once again I’m going to list them off to ensure I fit in as many cinematic masterpieces as I possibly can as I must account for the word count: “Amityville in Space,” “Amityville Bigfoot,” “Amityville Turkey Day,” “Amityville Outhouse,” “The Amityville Quilt Store,” “The Amityville Cute Farting Cat” (this film is only 46-seconds long, so I urge you to put down this paper and/or mobile device to search this film on YouTube), “Amityville Tea Bag,” “Amityville vs. The Galactic Samurai Schoolgirls,” “Amityville Mosh Pit on Elm Street,” and, to tie in with the shark films, “Amityville Shark House” and “Amityville Island.” Once again, each film is a certified classic.

My next recommendations come from the subgenre of drugs. After the box office success of “Cocaine Bear” back in 2023, the human race was truly blessed with four of God’s greatest gifts to man. These five-star films include “Attack of the Meth Gator,” “Cocaine Werewolf,” “Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space,” and once again, bringing in a common theme, “Cocaine Shark.”

I have to squeeze in these final films because, again, I have a word count and I don’t want to write more than I have to. The first is “Nude Nuns with Big Guns,” but fear not valued readers. There is nothing untoward in this film whatsoever. You have my word. Unfortunately these final films don’t have anything to do with sharks or—oh wait, no, I take that back, they’re actually all shark films. There’s “Noah’s Shark” to keep it religious (I recommend watching this as a double feature “Barbenheimer” style with “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”), “Raiders of the Lost Shark,” and “Shark Encounters of the Third Kind”—shoutout to Steven Spielberg and all the work he has done for sharks in the film industry.

Once again, I cannot stress enough how vital these films are to your cinematic education. All you film bros out there who can’t stop talking about how Tarantino changed your life and how you literally are Ryan Gosling, these are the films you should be watching. If you want to be the best, you have to watch the best. And I am the best for recommending these to you, so you’re welcome.