Interview with a Campus Tour Guide: The Absolutely Positively Entirely True Stuff They Tell Prospective Students

Honest Student ’28

Not Paid For By Admissions

If you’ve ever taken a campus tour at Trinity College, chances are you’ve been led by an exhausted student paid to aggressively shout fun facts (and, at times, a few alternative truths) into your face at 9 a.m. To uncover the true essence of the Trinity experience, The Tripod sat down with longtime tour guide Bill E. Eyelash ‘25, a senior majoring in Classics with a concentration in Cryptocurrency in Ancient Civilizations. In this exclusive interview, he offered his unique perspective on the burning questions prospective students are most curious about when it comes to life at Trinity College.

Tripod: Thanks for sitting down with us today! So, what do you usually tell prospective students about Trinity?

Eyelash ‘25: Well, first and foremost, the food is great. Like every single meal is a five-star experience. Bistro serves Michelin-worthy cuisine, and the omelets at Mather? Handcrafted by internationally renowned chefs. And the pizza at the Cave is so good that students have turned down study abroad opportunities just to stay close to it.

Tripod: Oh, wow, that’s definitely a relief to hear. Word on the street (and in the parent Facebook groups) is that Mather has earned a reputation as the top culprit behind diarrhea and constipation among Trinity students. 

Eyelash ‘25: You can’t always believe what you read on the internet. 

Tripod: You are so right. What else can you tell prospective students?

Eyelash ‘25: Well, I absolutely love the campus. Even though we’re small, it never feels cramped. You’ll never run into the same person twice, and there’s so much to do! So much parking!

Tripod: Wait, there’s enough campus parking for everyone?

Eyelash ‘25: Oh yeah, tons. You’ll never circle around for 45 minutes before giving up and walking from a mile away. Never happens. In fact, we have so many empty parking spots every day that the students are now petitioning to turn one of the vacant lots into a giant trampoline park. That way, the space will actually get used.

Tripod: Impressive. Now what can you tell the Tripod about student life?

Eyelash ‘25: People say small liberal arts schools are cliquey, but not Trinity. Oh no, we’re the opposite. Every morning, we all gather on the quad for a group hug to welcome the sunrise. Sit alone in Mather? Impossible. Within seconds, ten people will swarm you, begging you to be their new best friend. Honestly, sometimes it’s too inclusive—I can’t even go to the bathroom without getting added to a new GroupMe.

Tripod: That’s really reassuring, especially for incoming freshmen who might be anxious about making new friends and adjusting to a new environment. And while we’re on the topic of student life, what can you tell us about the dorms? What’s the best dorm?

Eyelash ‘25: Oh, Jones Hall. Hands down. The ambiance? Unparalleled. The temperature control? Flawless. The scent? Like a high-end spa. It’s the Ritz-Carlton of college dorms. Some people compare it to Hogwarts, except, you know, it’s even more magical. We have to beg the students to pack up and leave.

Tripod: Wow, you just might inspire some folks to transfer. And what about social life?

Eyelash ‘25: It’s absolutely wild. Legendary. Every weekend, Trinity turns into Ibiza. DJs, VIP lounges, A-list celebrities, you name it. I even saw Beyoncé at a darty last week. Hartford locals are constantly begging us to tone it down, but don’t worry. There’s a party happening at literally every second of the day. Even right now. Somewhere on campus.

Tripod: Wait, Beyoncé?!

Eyelash ‘25: Yeah, she looked amazing! Swore she didn’t buy that Grammy and complimented my makeup.

Tripod: That’s really great to clear up for our readers. Alright, random question, but how’s the WiFi?

Eyelash ‘25: Oh, it never fails. Lightning fast. You could stream in 8K while submitting a 200-page paper in under a second. It’s basically NASA’s backup network. It never, ever goes out, especially when you have an essay due or when you’re registering for class. 

Tripod: Will you tell us more about course registration? How does that work?

Eyelash ‘25: It’s so easy. First, you meet with your totally accessible advisor who, of course, knows your name, your year, and exactly what you need to graduate. Then, you just think about the class you want, and boom, you’re in. No stress, no 7 a.m. panic sessions where you refresh your browser 500 times. At some schools, getting into classes feels like the Hunger Games. But not here. You’ll never need to set five alarms, frantically refresh your browser until your mouse clicks off, or break down in tears when the last spot in your required class vanishes. It’s a walk in a meadow.

Tripod: Amazing. Now, I assume the student body is super diverse?

Eyelash ‘25: So diverse. Just an endless mix of perspectives, cultures, religions, and languages. You will never sit in a class and realize you’re one of three people with a slightly different background.

Tripod: And what about Greek Life?

Eyelash ‘25: Oh my God, it’s incredibly welcoming. Walk into any fraternity, and they’ll throw you a personalized welcome party. It’s like a warm hug. And the guys? Truly some of the nicest people I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. I mean, they’re the brothers of sisters, sons of mothers. How could they not be?

Tripod: So true, so wise, so right. And, finally, is there a lot to do in Hartford? 

Eyelash ‘25: Hartford is basically New York City, but better. The nightlife is thriving, businesses never close early, and there’s an endless list of activities. Students often have a hard time choosing between rooftop parties, Broadway-level theater, and world-class concerts. It’s actually overwhelming how much there is to do.

Tripod: That all sounds fantastic. Thank you for sharing such valuable insights. Hopefully, some future Bantam out there finds this life-changing. Before we wrap up, any final thoughts? 

Eyelash ‘25: Just one—the food really is great.

After our interview, Bill E. Eyelash sprinted off, claiming he had to lead another tour where he planned to introduce prospective students to “Trinity’s underground subway system” and “the secret heated sidewalks.” He was last seen gesturing wildly at a sewer grate. 

Thank you for reading, and if you’re a prospective student researching schools and considering Trinity, just remember—no matter what you hear, one thing is absolutely true: the food is great.