Trinity College Announces 200th Commencement Speaker, Minecraft Movie Star Chicken Jockey

Angelica Gajewski ’26

Executive Bits & Pieces Editor

In a historic decision, Trinity College has announced that the speaker for its 200th commencement ceremony will be Chicken Jockey, star of A Minecraft Movie (2025). In an email sent on Monday morning, the college’s president, Joanne Berger-Sweeney detailed her decision:

“Mr. Chicken P. Jockey is a distinguished leader whose exemplary service to the State of Connecticut and support of education, cinema and jockeying has made a difference to many. Mr. Jockey earned a B.A. in sociology from Harvard College in 1976 and an M.B.A. from the Yale School of Management in 1980. I know his wisdom and words will inspire our graduates and the next generation of leaders.”

Beyond his academic accolades, Mr. Jockey sports an impressive career in cinema, pioneering the way for block actors. JBS continued, “At the end of the day, when the board witnessed the sheer talent of Mr. Chicken P. Jockey on the big screen and his ability to unite anyone who was on the internet from 2014-2018, we just knew.”

The speech is expected to be 15 minutes long with a two-second zombie grunt to human speech translation delay. The college has expressed its commitment to accommodating Mr. Jockey’s greatness as the commencement board has already begun conversations about increased security measures to ensure the safety of guest speakers and attendees. Still, some parents have voiced concerns regarding the possibility of a skeleton, enderman, or even piglin attack during the ceremony. Mr. Jockeys representation has released a statement indicating that he can “run really freaking fast” if such an event were to occur. 

Mr. Jockey boasts an impressive 98% approval rating with many students ecstatic about the decision, one even going as far as to call it “probably the only good decision JBS has made as president.” Contributing to the unprecedented nature of the decision, Mr. Jockey will be the college’s first block speaker in its 200-year history. A source close to Mr. Jockey reports that he is “honored, excited and surprisingly aware of what’s going on for a zombie baby.”