“We Want Our Castle Back:” SGA President Jake McPhail ‘24 Kidnapped by St. Anthony’s Hall

3 min read

Boob Woodward ’26

Staff Writer

In a shocking video released last night by a group that has identified themselves as St. Anthony’s Hall brothers, it was revealed that SGA President Jake McPhail ‘24 has been kidnapped by the rogue group bargaining for their castle. McPhail, bound and blindfolded, was shown just outside the shuttered St. Anthony’s Hall “castle” with a copy of Monday’s Hartford Courant, as a male voice behind the camera stated “We want our castle back, man!” 

Last July, the College suspended St. Anthony’s Hall (known locally as “the Hall”) for three years due to hazing. This sudden suspension caused Hall students to lose their beloved castle, a National Historic Place built in 1878. As rumors have swirled around campus during the school year (“I heard they dug up the Trinity tunnels in their backyard”), remaining Hall students have been forced to live in the slums (dorms on Vernon St.) just like the rest of us normal students. 

In a letter released exclusively to the Tripod just this morning, Hall students claimed that they were unfairly targeted by the Trinity administration, saying that “Rich people are basically second-class citizens on this campus. Trinity shuts down the wealthy frats like they don’t need our daddys’ money. What will they do without us when they want to build a new athletic center or give Dan Hitchell a raise?” The letter went on to say that “Listen, this guy McPapsmear or whatever will be returned to the SGA once we get our castle back. Things don’t need to get crazy,” seemingly ignoring the fact that they had already resorted to kidnapping. One student in an addendum to the letter said that “I left my 50 pairs of Golden Gooses in there. I bought 50 more, but what if some randoms get in there and steal them? Then, mine won’t be as valuable!” 

The letter also cited the abrupt dismissal of former Director of Greek Life Trevor Beauford (known on campus as Rev Trev), saying, “Rev Trev would never have treated us like this. Free our boy Beauford.” The former director now serves at Hamilton College as Interim Dean of Spiritual Life, where it is rumored that students must have a wristband to be let into Sunday mass. 

McPhail, who has not been seen on campus since Friday, appeared to be mostly unhurt in the video. He more so seemed to be annoyed, even rolling his eyes when the cameraman began to speak. In his own addendum to the letter provided to the Tripod, he wrote “My captors may have me, but fear not, for I am negotiating my release with the finesse of a seasoned diplomat. It seems they couldn’t resist a taste of student leadership.”

The Tripod is confident that McPhail will make it to safety soon, as in the letter released by the Hall, each person in the group wrote their names on the top of the paper as if they were completing a group project, allowing the proper authorities to be contacted with the students who were involved. The Tripod urges high-profile students on campus to walk with a buddy following the recent suspension of the Psi Upsilon fraternity.

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