JoJo Siwa to Headline Trinity College’s Spring Weekend, Chaos Ensues

Abby Lee Miller ’26

Writing From Jail?

In a move that no one saw coming (or possibly everyone did, given imminent admin changes), Trinity College has announced that none other than JoJo Siwa will be headlining this year’s Spring Weekend. The pop sensation, best known for her invention of gay pop, bedazzled hair bows, receding hairline, aggressive humping and offensively upbeat energy is set to bring an unforgettable performance to a student body that largely stopped watching Nickelodeon around the time they hit puberty.

The announcement was met with a mixture of excitement, confusion, and existential dread. “I mean, I guess it’s cool?” said sophomore Greg Con-Fusion ’27, who was last seen frantically Googling “Who is JoJo Siwa?” and “Karma: Jojo Siwa Dance Tutorial”. 

“I’ve literally been manifesting this since I got here in the spring,” said junior Manny Festation ‘26. “I knew there was a reason I transferred here after all!” 

Meanwhile, senior Noah Clue ‘25 expressed severe concerns. “This is my last Spring Weekend, and I was kind of hoping for, like, I don’t know… someone I don’t have to pretend to ironically enjoy?”

Despite the mixed reactions, the Trinity College administration remains unwavering in their decision. “We wanted a performer who would really shake things up,” said Director of Entertainment Activities Council (EAC) Barnyard Mark Ram. “And by ‘shake things up,’ I mean ‘fit within our entertainment budget after last year’s inflatable slide debacle.’”

The performance, scheduled to take place on the LSC quad (freshly seeded, according to construction workers, to ensure optimal grip for Siwa), promises to be an extravaganza of glitter, high-energy choreography and possibly a motivational speech about chasing your dreams and ex-girlfriends. Sources report that Siwa has specifically requested all attendees wear at least three neon-colored items “for the vibe.” When the Tripod reached out to clarify whether this was a requirement, we were, unfortunately, left on read.

In response, a group of students has formed an underground movement called “We Don’t Want to Siwa Here,” dedicated to attending the concert dressed exclusively in black. “We just want to provide some balance,” said founding member and English major Shirley Noa Way ‘28. “Too much joyful jumping in one place can be dangerous.” However, their plan hit a snag when it was revealed that JoJo Siwa has the supernatural ability to turn even the darkest souls into pastel-colored believers. “We lost three members to the JoJo Agenda last night,” Way admitted. “They started out listening to My Chemical Romance and by morning, they were in sparkly black bodysuits doing backflips in Mather.”

Adding to the chaos, reports have surfaced that the wrestling team is planning to storm the stage and challenge Siwa to a dance battle. “We just think it’s time someone takes her down a notch,” said team captain Dan Gripman ‘25. However, Siwa’s camp has assured the student body that she has been preparing for such an ambush her entire life. “You don’t spend a decade in the Dance Moms twenches just to lose to some guys in spandex,” Siwa allegedly said.

The performance is rumored to include a remix of her hit song Karma, which will be played on loop until all students finally admit they know every word. To further intensify the experience, Siwa has requested that the fog machines pump out nothing but bubblegum-scented mist, and anyone who doesn’t smile for at least 90% of the concert will be escorted to the designated re-education bounce house.

Local wildlife has already begun reacting to the announcement, with reports that the campus skunk has not only been resurrected but has also been spotted wearing a sequined vest and attempting a cartwheel while inexplicably blasting “Stayin’ Alive.”

“I honestly don’t know what the hell’s going on,” said a concerned biology professor. “But if one of my students starts twerking in class, I’m transferring to Wesleyan.’”

Despite the controversy, one thing is certain: this will be the most talked-about Spring Weekend in years. Whether that’s a good thing remains to be seen, but if you suddenly find yourself waking up in black eye make-up and a receding hairline from too much hair dye, just know: you’ve been JoJo-fied.