Why Are You Publishing News I Don’t Like?

Bigg Taxidus “Tax” Brackett ’28

Dearest Imbicilic Tripod Staff,

It has come to my attention that you published articles like “Early Decision Admissions Shapes Trinity’s Class of 2030,” “Bistro Temporarily Closes Following Pipe Burst,” and “College Announces Plan for Elizabeth Elting ’87 Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship.” There is something troubling with this “news”: I do not care about it, and I do not want to read it. Are you guys just a bunch of imbeciles? Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know who my daddy is? I don’t wanna read about “relevant campus happenings.” I would rather see more on the stock market, or perhaps totalitarianism in China? Can you send somebody out there? What about the Korean Demilitarized Zone? Why is no one on the ground in Gaza right now, getting the real scoop? To me, it reads as lazy journalism. What’s more, why are you guys always talking about Trinity? Seriously, every issue, it’s like, “Trinity” this, “Trinity” that. “Now, Then, Trinity,” whatever that means. It gets tired. I would be surprised if this newspaper lasts another semester with all the irrelevance. And don’t get me started on all the whining in the opinion section. Where’s George Will ’62 when you need him? 

Now, I personally will not be writing articles because I don’t feel like it — seems like it would take up too much time. However, I want someone with my exact opinions and voice to write for you, so I do not have to. Until this happens, I, along with many other well-informed students, get our news from far more reputable sources like Yikyak, TikTok, and more primitively, the scrawlings written in sharpie in the bathroom stalls. For instance, did you know that “Emily is a lyeing [sic] skank?” You should cover THAT in your next issue! 

Finally, it is my professional recommendation that your staff chill out with all the big fancy words, because I cannot read. Trying to understand things like “AP style” or the word “profusely” makes me feel small and emasculated, and judging by the inseam of my khakis, I am neither of those things. 

Sincerely, 

Bigg Taxidus “Tax” Brackett ’28